Thrown in the game again.

Hey there!

So these two days were cool

But that’s not really what I would like to talk about…I mean…it is, partly, but not exactly. I was with Karen and Rasse yesterday for 2 hours after school and we were talking about many things. Karen’s crush (of course, haha), Rasse, future, problems and self-image and evaluation. That last part caught my attention immediately and I listened with great interest to what miss Ehrstedt had to say.

So, after a long consideration, I started evaluating myself. If you don’t find it interesting, you can stop reading right about now. I haven’t taken the time to look in myself for a really long time, but now that I did…I’m a bit confused. I would like to get more out of myself and do creative things with my abilities, but being on the internet is so nice… Anyway, I’m funny, but not funny enough. I want to make people laugh more…and if it could be because of my sense of humor and not my clumsiness or appearance, I’d like that. I want to be special and I want people to like me for who I am (which is a really big mess.) I like being loud and annoying, it’s my thing and I take on my duties with responsibility. I like laughing and being easily amused, if  people don’t mind it, I’d like to keep that. There aren’t really many things about my character that I would change…I just want to know more stuff about more things, so when I get into a verbal fight, I could win everything and defend my awesomeness status.

Appearance wise, I’d change almost everything basically…my skin, hair, weight, pose, structure… But I’m kind of content with all my flaws and if not embracing them, I’ve learned to deal with them. I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, but I’m not that bad, I have potential. And that’s what’s important. Always being positive about the crap you see in the mirror!

I’m a good girl, always thinking about the others and how they would feel. I’m also very egocentric, though…I like talking about myself and that’s why I have a blog. Not everyone can stand listening to this bullshit 24/7 and frankly, nobody gives a damn, so this is the place where I feel safe and I devote my time and effort into blogging, because I like the way it makes me feel, when I put stuff and thoughts somewhere, where other people can see and judge me. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just mainly see what kind of a person I am. Blogging is half of my life, I love it so much… I often get questions “How do you find the time? How can you come up with so much text?” … it’s really not hard, when it’s something you enjoy doing. Like Jamppa plays the piano, Emma goes boxing, Salla likes crafts, Joel watches movies, Rasse and Jazz play football…I blog. It’s my thing. I don’t understand why it can’t be accepted as a hobby. But anyway, I don’t care. I’ll just keep doing it.

Another thing about me is that I attach to the weirdest people ever. Never told any of them that I love them, but I do. And it doesn’t make sense. I try to rationalize it and it’s not happening. If something happens to one (or more) of the people I love, I better just drop dead… and I’m pissed at myself for acknowledging the situation, cause those are not my general beliefs. Usually I stand in first place and the others are just my “minions”. Not anymore, though. I just want to make them people happy and that’s what makes ME happy. I’m genuinely saying that, I’m a real caring person. And I think I would make a good life long friend also.

As for crushes and love and all that – everyone is giving me a hard time about being single, when I don’t really care that much. Yeah, I have my moments, when all I want to do is listen to sad ballads, build myself a fort and just escape from reality in there for hours. But them moments aren’t that much and once I find myself an occupation, I can live with them. I don’t wanna rush into anything that wouldn’t mean a lot to me. I want to have a big, consuming, heart-throbbing, hard crush on someone and if I have to wait to get it, I will wait. I’m sick of settling for “friends”, who might not even swim on the right side of the current. I owe it to myself and to the other person, to be completely honest about what’s going on and how I see things. If that makes me the “fix-up” fairy for the next thousand years, so be it. I’m patient. That doesn’t mean that I don’t notice boys…I do and I do it a lot. I even think I might start developing an interest in a certain individual of the opposite sex, but we’ll see where this goes.

And I’m also really fathoming upon how others see me. Am I annoying or irritating, or funny and cool or arrogant and over-confident, or smart and shameless… I do not know. And it’s tearing me apart. I’m a curious person, I want to know everything! I especially want to know what the people I spend every day with, think about me, but I wouldn’t ask anyone openly. Cause I don’t even take candy if not offered. Principals…

But enough about me. Thursday (today) has been a busy day. I think I’m getting sick, I don’t feel too good… but during the few minutes into which I managed to relax, this happened:

 

I can’t really explain this…it’s so retarded. But I think it’s fun…and I’m probably not taking it down, no matter how much Joel and Karen beg me to do so.

Then I went to Noora’s place and did some serious math problems, since my test is tomorrow and I need a pass…I DESPERATELY want to pass this course!!! You don’t even know how bad I want to get a good (enough) grade, I’ll try my best…considering that today was the day, when I learned what the course was actually about…

But yes, I’m getting sick and I’m tired and my eyes are red, so I’ll just go to bed.

//Stef – goodbye, caterpillars!

Things to remember:

Hey, everyone!

Before telling you about my pretty much boring day, I have something to say to everyone, who thinks the world is pink:

Learn to say “so what” for things that hurt to tears. Learn to forget the “unforgettable”, learn to say “no”, when your heart screams “yes”, learn to smile even when your eyes are filling with tears and just live. Life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns and butterflies. It’s about time someone tells this bullshit to you. No matter if you agree or not, you’re gonna end up doing it. It’s a good advice, when you know you’re not gonna follow it, but your thoughts are in a different position than your actions. When stuff are getting real and someone else is on the line, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to stop with your stupid games, swallow your egocentricity and arrogance for a second, and do the right thing. Now…

My day went pretty okay. Woke up at 6.30 am and wasn’t late for school. Math lesson went SUPER slow. The slowest lesson I’ve ever had, I think. I fell asleep 3 or 4 times for 15 minutes each time and it felt like I’ve been out for years. I even wrote a bit in my notebook, but time still didn’t go faster. It was agonizing. After I finally got out of the classroom, I felt like I’ve been kept without air for 5 minutes and this was my first gasp for air. It was glorious! Then I talked to Noora about whether or not she’s okay with giving me Henkka for one dance for the second day of the wanhat dances.

So, there are these big dances, right, and Henkka and Noora are a pair, so they’re going together. Everyone is going with someone, except for me. I don’t have a partner, cause I didn’t even think I’d dance for real until like 1 week ago, besides having no partner was bringing me a false feeling of freedom, somehow consoling me that I don’t have to learn the dances to perfection. But then things happened and I decided that I do, after all, want to dance, cause it’s once in a life time experience and all my friends are doing it and it’s fun and cool and I like how the practices are going and yeah…I want to dance. But getting a partner at this point is impossible, since the guy in question can’t learn all the dances so fast. I decided to ask my friends for help. I reached a consensus with everyone, I think. I’m not gonna dance on the big evening (thursday, 16-th of february), when parents are gonna come and see everything, but I’m gonna dance on Friday, the next day, for the school. I asked Henkka yesterday, when we were at Joel’s place if he minds dancing one dance with me and he said no, but I also have to ask Noora, since it’s her moment as well. I was quite surprised, when she said it’s okay. I didn’t expect an all caps rage from her, but at least a little convincing. She was super nice and said that it’s no problem at all. Then Jazz came and we shared that with her and she went all enthusiastic and said that she’d give me Jamppa for one dance as well. 5 minutes later, he said that it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I also asked Rasse and Joel for one dance on Friday, so that way I could dance half of the program at least, but their partners are Helmi and Karoliina and they’re not really close friends of mine, so I would never consider asking them to give up their partners for a dance, besides I doubt that Joel would be keen on dancing with me and Rasse would say yes just out of politeness. However, Jazz decided to take matters in her hands and asked Helmi without me being there, so I just walked in on a very awkward situation. Needless to say, she said no. As I thought she would…hence the reason why I didn’t ask myself. On the positive side, Jazz’s attempt wasn’t that fruitless after all. Emma said I could dance one dance with Mikko as well…and he be cool with it. How nice!

Anyway, after the first class, I had Geography and that went by quite quickly! Well…in comparison with Math anyway. Talked about floods and Ecuadorian money…and some other stuff that I can’t really remember. On a random note, are you familiar with that wonderful moment, when the teacher blames the person next to you for talking, when really you’re the one, who’s doing it? Yeaaaaah, I should stop talking so much. But I can’t help it…there’s too much to talk about!!!

Lunch was cool, if you exclude the fact that we had fish soup…I hate fish. I took the “chicken” vegetarian alternative, cause…yeah, fish was definitely a no-go for me. But the company was nice. And then we had listening comprehension test in English class and I nailed it like a boss (of course)! Then the 9-th graders came to Etis again for the “commercial” presentation we have and as you already know, most of my friends are tutors and they had to be there, so needless to say, I was hanging around too. At one point people started complaining about the noise going on around me and that I’m disturbing the tutor’s attention. Can’t help it that I’m so popular, lol. But, seriously, they were right, so I just backed away for the rest of the presentation.

Dancing afterwards was relatively fun. That’s about it. Then, when I came home I talked to my biological parents and now I learned that I’m gonna go to Levi (in Lapland) with my family on 18-th of February (right after the big wanhat afterparty) and we’ll be there for a whole week. How nice!

But yes, that was today.

//Stef – good night!

Mehhh

Lazy days.

I did a lot of stuff that are worth blogging about, but I just didn’t feel like doing a post.

And now here I am…pictureless. But that shouldn’t bother you, right? Cause you like me just like that, with my words? Or?

I was in Nurmijärvi during the weekend…to the mid-year orientation YFU camp for the Helsinki region people. To be honest, I didn’t quite want to go there, because of so many reasons… I don’t want to admit and see that half of my stay in Finland has already passed and I’m left with so little time here. I want to spend time with friends and family so much, but someone is always busy and sometimes I, myself, can’t make it and it makes me sad… Secondly, I didn’t want to get up early both weekend days, since I have early school every day of the week and I was looking forward to sleeping until late. Thirdly, I wasn’t so eager to meet the exchange students, cause they remind me of my stay as a foreigner here.

The good thing is, I saw Raino and Anni and Salla, the lovely volunteers, who I actually missed! And then also Laura and Till (exchange students), it was cool to see them again. And meet Steven from Austria, who just arrived here (for only half a year). All in all, it wasn’t that bad (as I expected), but we did a lot of workshops that made me think and that’s never good. But it was alright (more, actually)…and the food was also really nice and I overate big time…only cause I couldn’t find any chocolate Had to munch on something… but yeah. Don’t know how to sum it up. It was interesting.

Today I had only 2 classes, I was thinking about calling it sick, cause I wanted to sleep, but I didn’t and I spent my day with Henkka, Joel, Johanna and partly with Rasse, Jamppa and Karen, since we all went to Joel’s place to watch movies and talk. And then I had Finnish course and did stuff afterwards annnnnnnd ya…pretty usual stuff, really. I was gonna talk about cool things, but the moment is gone. Maybe tomorrow…

//Stef – yes, I’m lazy

My, my, my

Super tired, but still…nice day deserves a post.

Overslept for English….AGAIN. That’s the only thing that went wrong this Wednesday.

I seriously should go to bed earlier, cause clearly this isn’t working out for me. I’ve been oversleeping at least once a week for the past period and that’s not cool. True that I have a late morning only on Friday, thus my chances of getting up late are greater than say, someone who has only 3 early mornings, but still…I gotta fix myself up.

Anyway, in biology, the first 45 minutes were BOOORIIIING. I was struggling to stay awake with all my will and desire to learn something, but…it just didn’t work. As I was giving up on life, something really interesting happened. Dissection….of a pig’s heart. Can’t say it was the best sight ever, but it was interesting. And there were no girls/boys, who were like “ewwwwww”, which was cool. They were all determined to do this thing and were curious and looking around and cutting and just…it was awesome. In the end, even I got to make a cut or two…

And then we got to test out blood type (A or B). I wasn’t gonna do it, cause it required me putting a needle in my finger and most people and my relatives especially, know that I’m terrified of needles or more so, the pain. Noora, Jamppa and Johanna encouraged me to do it, saying that it doesn’t hurt and Pena was joking and saying that I absolutely have to do it if I want to pass the course. My palms got all sweaty as I decided on overcoming my fear and actually “pinch” my finger. Noora was looking at me having a panic attack and she was saying “Hey, if it’s  that scary for you, you don’t HAVE to do it…”, but everyone else did it and I was going to look like a chicken if I didn’t…so I did…TWICE, because the first time didn’t give much blood. I’m type A…as most of us.

(Jamppa, Johanna and Noora)

Anyway, after the lesson ended, we had lunch (surprisingly, none of us had lost our appetite) and we stumbled upon Henkka and his huge banana…literally:

We are supposed to be all young intelligent adults in this school…and yet we’re having way too much fun with a banana. And banana jokes in general. I have a video of this young gentleman right here, eating the banana and us (the rest from the table) making it hell for him, but I don’t think I’m gonna post it, since it’s such a hit to his manhood. It’s just not appropriate…but I did upload it on youtube, ahaha…as unlisted.

So, after lunch I had Finnish and that was boring as hell, don’t remember what I did to pass the time, but after that I had a skip and that was the time, when the 9-th graders from different schools had to come in Etis for a presentation, basically telling them why they should apply here for a lukio (last three years of their education). And the tutors of this year had to show them around the school. The weirdest part is that almost all of the tutors are my friends, that’s ridiculous…and I didn’t even mean for that to happen! Henkka, Noora, Karen, Joel, Rasse, Kaisa, Saara, Nelli…as well as Eduard and Oona, who are not exactly my friends, but they’re still cool and we talk a lot. I tagged along with Henkka and Noora and pretended to be a 9-th grader and I was talking to the blond guy for the first 30 seconds and when he saw me, he was like “hey, stupid bitch” and there were 30 or more kids behind us, who were just standing there waiting for him to lead. “Hey, don’t call me that in front of them, they’ll think you hate me” “I’m gonna have to speak Finnish, cause they just can’t take my super awesome English skills.” and it was funneeeeeh. Btw, I don’t know if you guys are aware, but no one, except for him has the permission to call me a stupid bitch under any circumstances, so don’t even think about it. And it’s kinda his thing, so I can’t just take it away from him… But yeah…

Also this really funny thing…when Opo presented Saara and Kaisa she said “This is Saara and this is Kaisa…now, can everyone see her, or should be ask her to stand up?” OH BURNNNNN. When the student councilor makes fun of your height in front of 300 9-th graders, you know shit is real. Poor Kaisa. We all laughed…

And when Nelli and Joel took their group of disoriented rabbits, two of the female kind were quite ecstatic that they were in that group…or maybe they weren’t in it, cause they seemed pretty far away from the rest but they still tagged along and made a run for it. They were looking at each other, screaming and smiling…just like undeveloped teens would do. It was hilarious. Now, I can only assume that this was because of the male part of the tutoring body, I mean, there’s no other explanation, ahaha. Dem bitches were tripping haaaaard. Hormones – making girls wanting to come to study in Etis!

But here’s a pic of Saara and Kaisa for a change…

And after that was over, we had dancing practice again! As you already know, I didn’t dance last time and apparently we took two new dances that time + new steps from the own dance and I thought I was screwed, basically…But, surprisingly, I learned it all and even had time to have fun. The practice was awesome. And my day as well…

And now, I’m super tired, but still have time to listen to night music:

And I’m in this state of being half-awake and I like this playing in the backround… I like the lyrics a lot…I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

//Stef – good night, world!

Hey monday!

‘Sup?

So I woke up on time…so far, so good. The classes were boring…also nothing new. I can’t say that the day was entirely bad, cause I did laugh quite a lot in the beginning of it, but it wasn’t a killer.

I was having this weird feeling throughout the whole day…like I didn’t care about anything or anyone, but at the same time I care a lot. Can’t explain it properly. I didn’t care if someone is hurt, but I cared about how they are. WTF. Just like this:

No sense whatsoever. I got hurt by words that shouldn’t have been intended for me to take as anything more than a joke, and yet, it wasn’t cool. And once again, I felt the “foreigner” in me…that specific feeling of non-belonging and misunderstanding was there. I was jealous of NATIVE speakers for being so good at speaking Finnish. I want to know it and I want to speak it without being made fun of. I want to understand, I really fucking do. Next time someone says “why don’t you speak Finnish?”, he’ll get a slap, cause I don’t find it funny or amusing, or anything of that sort, to remind me how much I suck at this language. And I really feel like I need it. Not necessarily for work, I just don’t want to feel this way. Even though I’m trying, it doesn’t seem to work and I’m bad at accepting it. I’m sick of being the outcast. Yes, I’m an exchange student, but that’s the last thing I want to be remembered as. And my inability to say 2 simple sentences in Finnish is killing me. I know the effort must come from me and I’m trying, but right now I just want to feel sorry for myself, cause I know I’m missing out on 70% of the good stuff…because I’m a dumbass. And there’s always gonna be someone to remind me of it…many times a day.

And somehow, today everyone touched my sensitive topics without even knowing it. I was offended at least 4 times by friends and I just laughed it off. Cause they don’t know I don’t find it funny..I’m a fun person, I usually find everything funny! And by the way, I would like to repeat myself again – even though I’m boy-ish in the sense that I laugh at sexist jokes, I am a girl and I think like one, I try to act like one and I want the same things normal girls want. Nobody seems to believe me.

So, today I went to the dancing hall with the complete and utter intention to dance. I stayed 105 minutes in Tapiola with Joel and Henkka after my school ended, just so I could dance…and I did everything as usual. Took my coat off, the shoes, went down, talked with everyone and once everyone started pairing, I decided that I’m pissed off enough for having to stand some random shy guy for 40 minutes, pretending to be happy and smiley, when all I want to do is rip heads off (and possibly blog). I stormed out of the premise only to see that I have forgotten my bag back inside, but I was too embarrassed to go and take it in the beginning of the class (since everyone would have seen me), so I stayed half an hour spying on the dances behind the fence, like a complete idiot. That didn’t make me feel better about myself, nor did it ease my frustration with how others see me… It opened doors to new heights of weird feelings and mixed emotions. I wanted to dance, but…it was just not working out for me today. Sorry.

I went to Helsinki and then back to Espoo/Matinkylä and I had a Finnish lesson…with a RUSSIAN teacher. Once she heard I was from Bulgaria, she did not stop trying to explain words to me in Russian… HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY AND REPEAT THAT I HAVE NEVER, NOR WILL I EVER, SPEAK RUSSIAN???? I understood nothing of her attempts, naturally, since I’m not Russian… Christ, when will they learn???

But yeah, then I went home and ate my heart out, which is also something I’m not very proud of.

//Stef – meh.

That’s the stuff…(and ice skating)

Whadup, people?

So, I know my blogging habits are sloppy and I don’t always blog every single day, but here I am again with a shit load of stuff to tell you.

So, first off, this week has been great overall. Can’t complain. Every single day was full with nice emotions and laughter and whatnot. And my abs hurt from laughing too hard…it’s a thing I tend to do. Anyway, since I can’t concentrate on every single thing I did this past week, I’ll give Sunday a go… Ice Skating.

Woke up at 9:30 am, cause I was supposed to be at Kamppi at 10:40, cause we didn’t want to go late, since there were a lot of people going after 1 pm and yeah… Fixed myself pretty quickly, stormed out of home like an Olympic sprinter, cause I was gonna miss the bus (but I didn’t) and waited patiently throughout the ride. Noora texted me, and I quote, “Mä tuun puol kakstoista kun ei tuu muita busseja. mutta odottakaa mua, että ehin myös luistella.”, which basically meant that she was gonna be late. “Selvä, odottamme sua”, I replied and got off the bus. On my way to where 106 stops, I ran into Johanna and we were talking for a while about the inside dog  joke and this one picture, and then Joel called me with the stupidest logic ever! If they’re (him and Nora) coming with 106, it would make sense that we’d meet in front of the bus stop, when the bus comes if me and Johanna were there. And we were. But nooo, let’s go to the main entrance and meet there! Not a big deal, really, but…I don’t get the logic.

AAAAAANYWAY, as we were walking towards the ice skating rink, we were talking about random stuff and one that stood out was the fact that Joel’s mom apparently put 2 pairs of gloves with his skates, 1 thicker, in case he needs to pick ME up from the ice all the time. It’s true that it was my first time ever on the ice, but HAVE SOME FAITH IN ME. If my his mom is concerned about me, you know things are not going well. And Maarit was like “you should take a helmet, it’s really important”, but I said something like “I’m in a hurry, no time” and just went out, haha! As if I’d make it clearer that I’m a noob in this. After we went to the rink and got our skates on, we stumbled across a little kid’s skating show and we had to wait a bit until it was over and there’s a picture of the couple in our circle:

Rasse also came during the pause and we all jointly got on the ice. After what seemed as an eternity, but was probably just 5 minutes, it was very clear to everyone that I CANNOT skate. My friends were circling me around, humming the “Jaws” intense music (when the shark is out to get you). It was intimidating. At one point, someone took the microphone and said “There’s a free ice skating school for all children on the rink………and adults, too!” – the lady was clearly looking at me and Nora laughed so hard… But it’s not my fault that I can’t skate! And even though they tried to teach me, little progress was made… see for yourselves:

don’t know what’s up with the colors, I thought it would be better when it was on the computer, but I guess not… anyway, look at my cruel friends! (Rasse in general)

5 minutes after this was taken, Noora finally arrived and when we were skating together she said something like “Skating with you is like trying to walk with my grandma”…well, gee, Noora, thanks a lot! We also tried to dance the “wanhat” dances on skates and it was awesome. I challenged Joel and Johanna to do the boogie (this really fast and fun dance) with the hope that one of them will fall and I won’t be alone in my misery, but actually….they did it very well…and they looked…cute together. Awwwwwww. Awesome couple! And after another hour of mindless skating and LESS than 10 falls (note that! And I got up on my own all 7 of them. No thick gloves needed. Just sayin’), we decided to take a group picture and go eat somewhere:

Nora, me, Rasse, Noora, Johanna and Joel.

We went to McDonalds, despite my rebelious proposal to go to Subway. I ate the biggest, baddest, meanest big mac ever and I felt ultra bad afterwards. The fries were not as good as they used to be, didn’t even finish them, but the coke was refreshing…

(because of Noora’s smiley face )

After I took this, Joel said “Stef, you haven’t blogged in 5 days, what’s up with that, I’m getting bored!” and the thing is, ladies and gents, that he just likes to read stuff about himself and look at photos and laugh at my stupidity. Well….there you go. Another post, 5 days later. Enjoy.

We were all going to go to the cinema and watch a movie, but there was only Johnny English 2 at that time and I’ve seen it already and so has Noora, so we just went home. By went home, I mean, had a long ass walk and sang on the streets and laughed (naturally, they were with me after all…) and then reached Kamppi. Can’t complain. We waited a long time for our buses to come and 106 came and went without allowing anyone to come aboard, so screw you hsl, you suck a lot at times. I ended up going home with 132, not going to Tapiola, which means that I’ll have to pay it a visit tomorrow during my skip. But it’s all good…I can do that.

Aaaaand then after I got home, me and Maarit went to this “Forever” gym studio or whatever you might call it and we had a REALLY intense aerobic workout for like 2 hours (with the sounds of old evergreens, awyeah!) and then some stretching…I think I won’t be able to walk tomorrow, it’s hurting even now.

But on a random note, all my friends are super exited about coming to Bulgaria, it’s weird! I love it, of course, I’m even thinking about stuff we could do at Varna. For example go to the aquapark/the beach, to the cinema (and watch the newest films on ultra cheap prices), maybe a picnic…have wild parties at the night time and even visit 4as Pik (the most famous summer disco in Varna), I could get us a hookah for a week and we could stroll around in the Sea Garden or go shopping, or just sunbathe and eat junk food. It will be so awesooooooooome. And I talked to my mom about it and she said it’s completely fine, and everyone can come (as long as their parents let them go) and the best part is that seriously a lot of people can come and the more, the better! I want them alllllll. It’s gonna be on hell of a summer! <3

And yeah…that’s what’s happening with me at the moment. 

//Stef – peace out

“Why are you so happy all the time? It’s creepy.”

This is what Joonatan said to me a few hours back.

Oh no, he didn’t…

First of all, I don’t see the point in being sad all the time, which, I’m sure he didn’t mean, is something I should be, but still… I don’t approve of people, who don’t appreciate what they have and complain about stuff all the time. I’m not saying you should be ecstatic like I am (I admit, sometimes it’s a bit overwhelming), but being in a bad mood because of stupid things is just not worth it. You’re taking bad time from the good time. Not cool.

Second of all, I have things to be happy about. Even if it seems hard to believe for some people, I like the way my life is going and I’m quite satisfied with my days. I know I should do more things, but as far as I’m concerned, being at home on the weekends and watching movies isn’t all that bad. I like Finland and the people (obviously), I like my family, I like the snow and everything. And even though every day there would be small details to whine about, all in all, it’s going pretty good! And I’m happy about it, what’s wrong with that?

Third of all, hardly anyone would believe me, when I say that I have more problems than the average teenager and mine are more adult-oriented. But speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil and it shall not be there. Which means that by avoiding the problem, it eventually goes away (in most cases), if not, I just deal with it at one point and let things take their natural course of events. Even though I do tend to over-think things, I don’t share my serious problems to anyone and maybe that’s what makes me look happy in the eyes of others. I don’t mind. I am happy. We all have to live with ourselves. And as much as I wish that boys, make up and clothes were the only things on my mind, I’ll have to pass that statement to someone else. My life is not HARD, but it’s not easy either. I just deal with it and let the good times roll.

So yes, Joonatan, that’s why I’m happy all the time. And for your information, today kinda sucked, but I’m not the type of person, who brings bad emotions to the house *rolling eyes* and if I choose to be happy, you can’t stop me, happy I shall be. In your face.

//Stef

Hello again, school!

This is gonna be real quick, cause I’m almost dying of tiredness here.

So, school started again (finally!) !!! YAY!

Woke up at 4 am, cause I don’t know why, but I guess there was some reason and things went as they should…anyway, I got to school on time. It was glorious! I saw everyone! I was on Jamppa’s neck 2 seconds after I saw him, cause I haven’t seen him since like…22-nd of December and I was excited to see him…same thing with Nora, Karen, Leksi and everyone else that I hadn’t seen during the holiday…and even the guys that I did get to see few days earlier…it was a pleasure seeing them again.

I hugged and sang to everyone, I was being my usual loud and cheery self for the most part, which now I see can be very exhausting! It’s 8 pm an I already want to go to bed… But the day was so fun!

People are nice. Except maybe….why do they act like I’m a disease or something? When I was walking fast/almost running towards Leksi, he was like “Aw, Christ!” and I was like “Heyy, what’s that about?”, but I knew that he was just teasing, so he still got his hug. (even if he didn’t want to). And same with Joel… “Ah, man, I have Geography with her…” *to Henkka* and during the lesson “Do you have a skip after this?” “Yes” “*sarcastic voice* Lovely!” What is THAT supposed to mean? I was nice the whole day! Should I be offended or something?

And during the skip in question, my abs got their workout, as there were times, in which I couldn’t take a breath…never telling guys about my awkward situations again. Joel (and Henkka), I just want to say – your mom. shower. 40 minutes.

That would be it, thank you.

And we also ate candy during that skip…

THEN we had dance practice. It was quite okay, I danced a lot with Joonas and he’s gooood in this, sooo…I was happy. On our way out and to Tapiola, though, me and Henkka kinda declared a snow war to each other. I splashed snow on his head, he pushed me into the white sea that was forming on the side of the road…it’s on! Beware, blondie, beware…

Then we went to Subway with Johanna, Joel, Henkka, Noora and Karen and here are some pics from then:

Aaand after that I went home and I’ve been yearning for some sleep ever since. I’ve been TOO hyperactive today and I’m drained. Must recharge batteries.

So yes, good night, world and thank you for a splendid day today!

//Stef

Grandfather…

Hello, people…

I wish to take this time to honor my grandfather – Hristo, who passed away today at his home, peacefully I HOPE.

First of all, I want to say I am in shock. This cannot be happening. Is it weird to feel extremely sad? He’s not my parent, but he has played a huge part in my life. Now I can’t believe he’s gone…not even a year after my other grandfather died. Grandpa Hristo’s condition was a severe case of senile dementia and it was no surprise to anyone that his death would come soon. He couldn’t recognize me if I went to visit him (which was almost every week) and of course, it didn’t make me very happy, but crying about it was pointless. It is what it is and we just had to deal with it for a year. But you know what’s sad?

The man I knew as my real grandfather is gone… all those memories from “Ravna gora” (our house in the village) and how I was his “little monkey”, because I was always so hyper active are flushing in. All the wooden toys he made me, the 7 swings he personally made and put in our back yard, so all the kids were jealous of me for having such a cool grandfather. When I was scared to fall asleep in the night, because of the big bad bear, he would come and sleep in the bed in front of me, so when the bear comes, he could chase it away. He got up at 4 in the morning to go to the best bakery in town, so he could get the best “banitsa sus sirene i boza” (banitsa with feta cheese and boza … ) and bring them warm and nice to me, when I had to get up and go to kinder garden every morning. He would play with me secretly. He would poke me and when I turn around, he would act as if he didn’t do anything. You could NEVER hear him say “I love you” to anyone, but you could see it in his eyes, the way he looks and that hidden smile, when he’s trying to look serious.

He’s had many possibilities to scream at me and punish me, but he’s never done that. He always sent me to my grandmother with the hope that she would play the bad cop. Every time, when he went to the store, he got my favorite treats and he also gave them to me secretly, without anyone knowing, cause I wasn’t allowed to eat sugar after 4 pm. I can say, without a doubt, that I was his favorite grandchild. (I’m sorry, cousins, but we all know that I’M the precious piece of diamond in both grandma and grandpa, It’s never been a secret!). The rest often got jealous of the way he’s treating me and not them, but I’ve always been the youngest one (with more than 10 years apart from the rest) and I’m the daughter of his only son, who has always been problematic, so it’s understandable that I was treasured. But you know what, I’ve always had the same feelings for him. He’s always been my favorite grandfather (Sorry, mom, but…fact.), I’ve always loved him. And it’s true that my relationship with these grandparents (from father’s side) has always been REALLY strong and in the past years, I’d go see them at least twice a week, just because I wanted to and not because someone made me. Before he got bad, I talked to him a lot about how my days are going and sometimes we would sing a song about it together…as strange as it sounds to those, who know him. He’s been more of a father figure to me, than your regular grandfather…and he has always given his all for me, which I will ALWAYS appreciate. I’m sad that he got to see all of his grandchildren have kids, except for me. And I’m sad that my kids will never get to see him. But they will hear stories about him…I promise. He hasn’t exactly been a saint, according to my grandmother, but whatever bad things he has done, they will be forgotten. Because I cannot say anything, but good things about this man. Rest in peace, grandpa! I love you.

This is from 2011, I suppose. The only picture of him I have… And grandma! <3 (he’s not bald, I don’t know why it looks like that in the pic. He has thick white hair…had…)

Now, after hearing this extremely bad news, I can’t help it but feel bad. All the more reason to want to go back to school. I don’t need to be alone right now. I need to talk to my friends about random stuff, I need to be occupied with something and not be so down. This really affected me, since I was close to that man… I need to keep myself busy…I don’t want to deal with this right now. But unfortunately, there are two more days of weekend, in which I have no plans whatsoever, so if something doesn’t change, I’m going to have to just….man up for a while.

Christ, this is sad…I have a lump in my throat!

//Stef – I hope my mom goes to the funeral, as well, since she knows how important she was for grandpa Hristo, even though she divorced dad long time ago.

Movie day!

Hey!

So, today (or should I say yesterday) was a movie day (as far as one movie goes). 

I invited Iisa, Assu and Kaisa over for a nice movie day and we had the day, alright, but it was so short….first of all, we all woke up at 14.00, so the whole thing started almost at 4 pm. And then we decided that we need to collectively go to the store and buy chips, candy and soda. We watched “Mean girls” and it should not come as a surprise to no one, that we all knew the lines by heart Here are the options for the day:

 

Yeah, most of it is Disney movies, but whatdoya gonna do…I love Disney! And here’s a small overview of all the crazy shit that happened:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aaand with that I shall stop embarrassing my friends! It was a nice day, thank you guys for coming!

//Stef – now off to bed (or?)