Unpublished bits and pieces from my phone.

Sup!

So umm, I guess I’m getting worse and worse at keeping this blog going, but let’s make another attempt at it anyway!

Dude, I’ve got 70 drafts ready to be published, but I always feel like half of the shit in each of them is too personal and I don’t want to share it with the world. It probably isn’t that bad and to be frank most of you don’t really care, so I don’t actually have anything to be afraid of. I hope.

I know I promised to make a Soundtrack of my life vol.7 post, but to be honest my past year of music has been VERY different than what I’ve listened to before and I’m not ready for people to start pointing fingers at me and label me as a mainstream consumer, who is brainwashed and doesn’t have an opinion of her own and all that blablabla stuff that come with listening to more modern music. Tho I’ve enjoyed a lot of good songs, so maybe I should after all not care and put it all in a post…let’s see!

Anyway, THIS post is just a random update with pictures mostly screenshotted from snapchat and you can find the occasional selfies made with my phone’s actual camera. I just got a new phone and I’ve been so vain with the selfies, since the camera is just super good…best purchase ever!

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This is from when we were in England (came back 2 weeks ago), we had an epic trip and I took lots of pics and I think the highlight for me (besides all the obvious shopping) was Nando’s. I’m absolutely devastated that they don’t have it here in Finland, cause it was easily one of the best foods I’ve tasted. I strongly recommend it to you guys, if you’re ever in England, GO FOR IT!!!

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Some pic of me trying stuff on, I thought the jacket looked bomb AF, so I got it. Now I just need to wait for it get warmer. Sigh.

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This was taken in December before me and Sophie decided to have our tipaton tammikuu and leave the booze for February. I love getting drunk with this girl.

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Needless to say our tipaton was arguably unsuccessful and we realized that alcohol solves so many problems. Or even if it doesn’t, it makes you forget about them. I still enjoy not having bad hangovers, so I try to take advantage of that as much as possible and have a great time! Besides, there’s always a reason to drink. A boy doesn’t want you? Your friend is going on exchange? You don’t know what you’re doing with your life? You’re sexually confused? You failed a course? You passed a course? It’s margarita monday? It’s pikku launatai? Your friend really wants to sing karaoke? Or they’re sad and need you to tell them that this fuckboy ain’t shit and you need to watch them agree with each shot they take? You wanna help someone get laid? You wanna get laid yourself? You need inspiration for your thesis topic? I can keep going forever…

But yeah anyway, we had an incredible night (in my opinion), apparently I don’t remember all of it, cause Stina almost strangled me for not believing I’ve done half of the shit she says I’ve done. Daniel said that this was the most fucked up he’s ever seen me and we’ve been out partying a lot together, so that should say something. Nothing to be proud of, but anyway all I remember was that I had a kick ass time throughout the entire evening and Sophie brought a male exchange student to my place without warning me, so me and Zselyke were in our underwear when I answered the door. Lol. Sophie’s drunkenness is another story for another time, she also had lots of fun. Actually, even Claire did. EVERYONE enjoyed. So happy we didn’t jinx it by looking forward to it for too long, but yes! Can’t wait for next friday and the next party.

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Welp, January has also been SUPER MOTHERFUCKING COLD. Well except for the last few days, now everything is melting and it’s annoying. But -27 degrees, when we left Helsinki for London, though. Bloody freezing. Kind of happy that it’s warming up.

Student life wise things are going okay, I still need to get my act together and apply for internships and maybe take a few reports a bit more seriously, but other than that I’m quite content. I’m taking a course where we mix cocktails and taste them and it’s absolutely amazing, cause they all taste so divine and I’m getting credits for it, it’s awesome!!! I enjoy my time with Sophie and Claire and outside of class with Daniel and Stina…I feel like I’m still the party person I once was, but I’ve started to be less interested in meeting new people, especially after the summer. Still excited about the prospect of going to Werket and stuff, but I don’t care about seeing new peeps, especially since my regular squad is there, I just wanna have fun with them really…

And personal life wise…I don’t really know. :D Everything is so confusing and there’s so much drama, I just want to stay in bed, not see anyone and watch series. But I still wanna be good with everyone if that makes sense. I became a bit too invested in a situation that I shouldn’t have gotten myself into in the first place, but it’s all me to blame for that and this is maybe the first time that I feel like I’ve done wrong by others and I don’t like the feeling, cause I’m such a “I don’t wanna hurt anyone!” person and now I guess I’m a bit of a bitch and that doesn’t sit well with me… I need to go out more and do different stuff not to think about it, but I already do so many things ughhh I’m so lazy.

I miss the time when I was younger and more stupid and I thought that life is only black and white and there’s no middle and I didn’t have a clueeeee, those were the days, man!!! What I want now is no boys, no girls, just friends, lots and lots of tea and a different brain. Also I would like it if Joel wouldn’t be so embarrassed to invite me to a pykälä party, why the hell has he created an isäntä profile with his friend and then gone and followed me on instagram, bruh he’s weird.

Speaking of Joel, that reminds me of Jamppa (cause same lukio friend group and all that). Those are still some of my best friends I have and I had a horrible dream yesterday that Jamppa died and I don’t remember feeling so sad and crying so much in a dream. I woke up covered in tears with my heart racing. I realize that this is a projection of something else happening in my life (whatever it is), I don’t usually have nightmares, but seriously I need to see him as soon as he gets back to Finland, because I miss him and I realize that I would really hate it if anything ever happened to him. So yeah there’s that. I guess I feel a bit like shit for the moment. :D

But I’ll be fine!

//Stef – first post of the year, at least it’s still in January!

5 am post for no reason.

Hey! :P

It’s super late (or early, depending on how you see things) and I haven’t posted in aaaaaaages, so I thought I’d whip up something now, as I’ve been in the mood for a few days.

This night reminds me super much of the times, when I used to hide under my covers and chat with Joel till 5am about ridiculous stuff such as cheese (argue is still ongoing) and good looking girls. Haven’t spoken to him in this way lately, cause we’ve both been busy with our separate things (though we’re still close and keep in touch). Feels like so much has changed since those days and we’re so different, but still kind of the same…

I’ve learned how to do my makeup, at least. Haha. :D 16yo me would cringe at the sight of this pic:

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And 20yo me just really doesn’t care, cause a pimps and prostitutes party sounds like a great idea! I’ve been out with friends so much that I have forgotten what it’s like to be alone at home and have nothing to do. There’s always places to go to and people to see, ciders to drink…

Actually now I’m feeling like it’s time for a little break before I go again. Time to let my liver rest and focus on other fattening things such as nutella and pipari cookies. Maybe some bacon. Ok, LOTS of bacon.

I feel like taking pictures of attractive people, so if you’re confident and feel like you need a new profile pic, please tell me, cause I love doing this shit. I’m losing my touch after not having done anything in aaaages. Last person I took pics of was Mimi

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There’s so much I could still do to this pic, but I want to go out somewhere and take kick ass winter pics like I did last year with Jessica (when I looked like a ghost thanks to the exposure).

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I would like to also try something a bit more artistic, after all the partying and hanging out with people, I would like to capture someone’s character in a photo, not just snap them so they look good. I’d maybe be interested to work with face paint and thematic clothes, perhaps try different lighting and get a bit less basic, but I’m not sure how many of my friends would be interested in participating in something like this?

This is when I miss Linda the most, she was absolutely crazy and ready to get naked and have clothes painted on her whole body if it meant it would be a good shot. Kinda wanna see her again and get inspired, she’s so good at coming up with the weird shit.

I’d also love to try and take pics of some males? Ones, who are not bitching about life 24/7? Ones that would trust my judgement that I will make them look good and follow my vision? Most guys don’t like their picture taken and I don’t understand why half of my friends are so awkward and are making fun of me wanting to take a pic of them (I mean besides Joel, cause obviously he’s the worst when he wants to). So if you are a guy and would like to have a nice pic taken, plsssssss tell me, cause I so want to do it!

Another thing, I’m super jealous of my father, cause once again he’s travelling the world and is currently in some super warm and tropical place and I’m here being rained on with winds as strong as my hopes for a pass on my ERP course. Ridiculous. So I’m thinking of going to Dubai after January, sounds like a good time for it, just as it’s the coldest here in Finland…let’s see.

What else is new…been hanging out with Sophie and Claire as per usual, went to Slush, somehow managed to attend both afterparties, went to like a gazillion happenings in October and November + Glöggrundan in December, shit was tight.Snapchat-8161976023330535400

The last event was especially bizzare cause almost everyone I knew was there yet I met so many new peeps (Khrm, Daniel’s friends are pretty awesome). I saw Freddie for like 5 min once again. I’ve given up hope with him. He tells me during the summer that he’s been accepted to study in Turku after what I literally see him 2 times (mind you, we were really really good friends and I’m still tight AF with his brother) and 1 of those times has been for 2 min while I was really drunk and outside while being dragged into a festival thingy during a heavy rainfall, so I don’t remember that really well.

Anyway, I just need to rant about this, cause I really thought we could keep in touch and be homies, but distance fucks things up, cause he’s having an awesome life in Turku (not that this is bad, I’m really happy for him) and older friends fade away. It just sucks cause we used to talk so much and be so close and I got used to him being around and having coffee/lunch together almost every day and I really miss him. Nowadays I’m always the one to start the conversation and it always reaches a dead end, so it’s not particularly productive either. But yeah. Daniel is still here and he’s been holding the front on the Tallberg side really well, so I can’t be made at those baby faced brothers. They’re the best and are super hugable and make me smile always with their retarded humor.

Other than that, things have been pretty basic I guess. Dunno what else to say really…Maybe I should hit the hay and stop googling weird stuff such as how many toenails do elephants have, as if that’s of crucial relevance to my life…

Yeah, I’ll do that.

//Stef – Next post will be Soundtrack of my life vol.7 ;)

A bit too honest.

A bit too honest.

Hey, peeps.

I doubt anyone is reading this anymore, since I make like 5 posts a year, but hello to you if you’re on board!

You know that friend, who is always brutally honest? Yeah, that’s me. Though I think it’s a good thing that I say what I think, sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn’t be too hard on people. Sometimes I feel like my attitude could be hurtful to others and I wouldn’t want to make anyone feel really bad, obviously.

So I made Henkka cry on the phone few weeks ago (and I’ve never heard/seen him cry before. Ever.) because of what a bitch I was to him about something that really bothered him and I kinda regret it. I meant every word I said, so I’d never go back on that, but I should have been a bit gentler and more understanding, which I don’t know how to do sometimes. I can’t tell you how often I say things, which I later realize sound super aggressive and mean even if I don’t mean them that way and I think to myself “well that was fucking dreadful. I hope this person doesn’t think I’m a crazy bitch.”, but let’s be honest, they probably do. It’s worse if I do it over text, because the person can’t hear my tone of voice, so they don’t know what to make of the text and the sad reality is that texting is my preferred method of communication, so misunderstandings happen quite often.

On the other hand, if someone is brutally honest with me, I actually really like it and appreciate it. I take every word as constructive criticism and I somehow respect the person more (that’s why I’m such good friends with Joel). Not everyone is like me, I understand that and that’s why I promise to try and work on myself, but I mean…

There are times, when something is really really bothering me and though most of my thoughts I keep to myself (just cause usually they’re not that interesting to others), if I don’t say the thing, it keeps getting worse and worse and my god, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d get an ulcer from trying to conceal it. If I have a problem with someone, I have to tell them. I just have to. It makes me feel like a new person. Now, obviously I don’t say the first thing that comes to my mind, I’m not a socially disabled individual, I try to pick my words and not sound like I’ve just come out of a mental facility (like those crazy texting chicks we keep reading about on facebook) and I HOPE no one’s thought that about me, but I mean I’d be the last person to say that I don’t have my moments.

SO! I’m very sorry if I’ve ever sent you a crazy honest text (or said something in person), which made you feel uncomfortable, but on the bright side, if I’ve done it that means that I most likely like you and think you can handle it…and I probably don’t have anything else against you, cause let’s be real, if I had, we wouldn’t be talking. So imma work on being nicer and you work on understanding that that’s just me and sometimes I can’t help it. :)

Have a great weekend, everyone!

//Stef – peace out!

How has the summer been?

Wow!

No posts in June, July and even August. Longest I’ve ever been quiet. :D The entire summer has gone without being documented here.

So what have I been up to? Mainly working. The summer hasn’t exactly been the warmest I’ve experienced (if one compares it to last year’s summer), so I don’t feel like I’ve missed on a lot of summer nights and hangouts, which is good. I did, of course go out and have fun every now and then, but it wasn’t really a routine thing. What was routine though was the 4.30am wake ups and the regular talks with the security guards of my work place, who are now my homies cause I’ve been setting off the alarm wayyyy too many times.

Let’s see, in June I went to Stockholm with Salla, Sara and Sami, who had brought along their summer exchange student Alana from New York. She’s mad chill, I really really liked her and would like to go visit her in Manhattan sometime soon if I get the opportunity!

Then a few days after we got back, I left to Hanko with Sophie and okay, I have to be honest here…I really, REALLY enjoy taking pictures of her, cause she’s gorgeous and magnificent and fierce and just ahhhh. You know how sometimes you meet a person and you instantly hit it off with them and it feels like you’ve been friends for 10 years already? Yeah, she’s like that. Such a shame that it took me so long to actually start talking to her, cause I was her tutor last year, but never really got to know her well until the end of April. Anyway, I’ve been loving our photosessions and here are a few of my favorite pics of her which I’ve taken:

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What a chica! But yeah, we went with her to chill in Hanko for the regatta, met a few of her friends there and a few of mine, got a nasty sunburn the morning after and basically had lots of fun. :D 2 weeks later I went to visit Sophie in her home town Porvoo and got to meet her super awesome parents and again have a drinking night at this thing called Tirmo Blues, which I don’t really remember what it was, cause I was running around talking to people all the time and couldn’t pay attention to the happening… :D haha! But I think it was fun, as well, though the weather was shit and I slipped on a slippery rock and fell really hard on my hip (yep, it left a HUGE bruise). I only got to see Freddie (a friend of mine) for like 2 minutes even though I was excited about seeing him all evening, so that was a bummer! :( BUT I got to meet new people once again and it’s always fun when that happens especially when I’m not too drunk to talk to them.

But yeah after that the party front had been really quiet for a while if you exclude the casual weekday bar hangouts with friends, buuuuuut in my defense, I was busy with work and switching apartments (yes, I live in a new place now, yay!). I had to paint a few walls myself, which turned out better than expected! Joel helped me for a few hours the first time I went there, so I’m really really grateful to him for doing that, cause lawd knows he ain’t the type of guy to do manual labor. :D

So anyway, I moved in successfully and a few days after that I was off to home sweet home! Hadn’t been there in a year and a half, so I was quite excited about the trip to be honest.

My time there consisted of mainly 3 things: eating, sunbathing and drinking. God knows I tried to get a tan, I really did! Still, I came back from the trip almost as white as I was before I left, but much more frustrated and angry about it. However the beach was awesome and hot and the temperatures were always above 30 degrees, so I was really having a great time! Not to mention that my mom and grandma wanted to make me all of the food that I like, so there was a feast at home every day and I’m not gonna lie..I like being spoiled.

I also went drinking with my mom, cause she’s one of my best friends and I had missed her SO FREAKING MUCH!!! Also my boobs looked bangin’ in the dress she gave me, so hahaha :D *being modest here* We went on a roadtrip with her for a few days and on that trip I lost my first ever bet, so she made me run naked outside. Thankfully we were in the middle of nowhere and it was around midnight, so there weren’t that many witnesses to this atrocious sight. But she had a good laugh, which I guess was the most important thing.

Anyway, now I’m back in Finland and the school parties have already started! Me and Sophie have been inseparable (no joke, we’ve been together ALL THE TIME! :D) and our livers have already started to adjust to the upcoming fall. It’s going to be amazing!

I’m also now living with Stina, which is super awesome, cause I’m for the first time ever living with a friend, which has been a long-overdue dream of mine. Love itttt. And we’re super close to school, too, so we could just walk there, awesome location!

But yeah, this is what I’ve been up to this summer, let’s see how the fall will go! ;)

//Stef

Anxiety.

So.

Seeing as this week is mental health awareness week, I thought I’d put in my 2 cents on a topic I’m very familiar with.

Now, I don’t have a mental health problem (at least I hope not or if I do, it’s not a big one) and I don’t think I’ve ever had one. By that I mean any eating disorders, depression, OCD, paranoia, bipolar disorders and so on… There is nothing wrong with people having any of these and they’re not “crazy”, it’s just like a physical sickness that can be treated with therapy and medication. Or so I’ve heard. I choose to support people struggling with their own consciousness.

However, I have experienced anxiety and mood swings first hand and I know how much it SUCKS, when people tell you to brush it off, get over it and do what is right (or you’re supposed to do or whatever the thing is that you’re anxious about.) I am a grown woman and I still to this day have issues with talking on the phone. I know most people have this fear up until a point in their lives, but for me it has turned into a nightmare that I need to go through on daily basis. Of course it’s not with everyone I know, but you have to be a really good friend of mine for me to be comfortable with calling you without getting a shaky voice and sweaty palms.

TEXT ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. TEXT. It’s the one thing I’m good at. Because if I have to call you, I’ll be thinking about it all day, looking at my phone like it’s a device made from Satan himself. I’ll be plucking up the courage for 4 hours, I’ll have weird scenarios playing in my head, I’ll go through every possible thing you could say and I’ll try to come up with a comeback for all of it before I even think of dialing. And when I finally do it, I’ll pray to every god that you don’t hear your phone and don’t answer, because I don’t want to go through having a voice conversation with you.

This is why it’s very difficult for me to call people I’ve never seen before – asking for jobs, having administrative calls, hunting for apartments, calling your mom to tell her you’re with me, etc… I am absolutely mortified of the whole experience.

I get the same thing when I speak foreign languages, I get anxious, very very scared and confused. Truth is, I CAN speak more than just English and I can speak just fine, but that little voice inside my head won’t let me. There isn’t even a good explanation for how I feel every time I have to speak Finnish or Swedish and the worst part is that people around me just don’t understand. I would have a pretty chill job if I wouldn’t be so stressed about having to speak a foreign language with strangers. All the time. I get a big adrenaline rush and I want to exit the situation as fast as possible, often I do the work faster than I’m supposed to just so I can get away from the people. And I’m anxious about getting fired, too. For no reason, I’m a good employee yet I always have the feeling that I’m not good enough, that I’ve messed something up and that soon I’ll get what’s coming my way. 2 years ago I was so scared and stressed about all this that I cried every night when I went to sleep, because I knew I had to go to work the next morning.

Don’t say you understand anxious people, when you don’t. It’s the worst.

“But you’re so social and talkative, I’ve never noticed anything serious with you” <– I get that so often! True, I’m a social beast and I do LIKE people, but only in situations, in which I feel safe, comfortable and relaxed. Partying, for example. Nothing I do really matters, so I loosen up and have fun and that’s when most of you get to know me. Try talking to me, when I’m at work and you’ll see what “silent treatment” really means. Being anxious isn’t a synonym for not being social or enjoying people’s company, it means that in some situations you have a harder time with letting go and doing mundane tasks than others.

I don’t have a severe case of anxiety, I don’t understand a lot of things about it and I DO call people on the phone if there is absolutely no other way around it, but I do make it a bigger deal than most people would. I do get some episodes of completely unnecessary anxiety for things like school projects, certain people (1 at a time), work and self-development, but I believe all of us have that. I however feel very sorry for all those poor souls, who suffer from serious anxiety attacks on daily basis and I hope they talk to someone about it.

Been reading lots of posts about mental health this week, so great to see what people think and say about their own issues. :) And of course, if you really have something serious to work out, you should always consult a professional in the field, don’t wallow in it!

//Stef – toodaloo

In search of…

Hey!

My room is a mess, I should clean it up. In fact, quite many things in my life are a mess that I need to clean up.

Please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes in this blog post, I am utterly intoxicated and perhaps not in the greatest condition to write about the topic that I want to write about.. Which by the way is guys. Again. I will probably delete this post as soon as I wake up, but for now, I just need to let it out.

I got the following message on facebook: “I’ve seen a couple of your videos on Youtube. Why is it that such a gorgeous women as yourself is single. It makes no freakin sense……….are your standards too high, or do you enjoy the single life too much?”

It’s not the single life that I enjoy. At any given point, I am interested in SOME guy. I never do the first step, because I’m so terrified of them not liking me back, I’m terrified of showing myself to someone and them not liking it, which I know is natural to everyone. But you know what, not many people have tried to actually get to know me. There has been the occasional small talk texting, which at this point is oh so trivial to me, but it rarely goes deeper than that. Sure, I’m not interested in everyone and I think that’s normal, but no has really tried to get under my skin, you know.

I get SO MANY guys trying to go out with me, to dance with me on the dance floor, to talk to me between songs, to buy me a drink and get my number, to take me out on a date, to tell me I’m beautiful…I’m in no way lacking attention. I get compliments even from random people I’ve never seen before and of course that makes me smile, but…I don’t care for all this superficial attention if no one is willing to get to know me. I know I sound like such a woman, but I’m not ready to be with someone, who just wants my body (which by the way I do have some issues with). I have the “serious relationship type of girl” sign written all over my forehead. Because I am one. And I am sometimes ashamed of it, because it seems like it’s not what everyone else wants to see.

I know there is nothing to be ashamed of, I know I don’t have to sleep with every potential “Romeo” and I don’t have to dumb myself down to look easily approachable, but sometimes it feels like this is all I have to be to get the person I want. And I’m not ready to do that. I don’t think I ever will be. By now I’m so sick of the “the right one will come eventually” line and the accusations of being single by choice.

Yes, I’m single by choice. Excuse me for wanting something meaningful out of a relationship. Excuse me for being a university student and not going to bed with anyone, who is interested in me on the first night. Excuse me for liking the wrong people, who have their own issues, which I have no part in. Excuse me for not being able to help who I like. Or who I don’t. You can call it a high standard, you can call it whatever you want, but it is what it is.

I’m not in love. Do you know how much I wish I was? And that it would be shared? Very. I wish I could wake up to someone and not think “does he actually like me?”, because I would know he does. No matter what. No matter how insecure I am about some things and no matter how I look without any makeup on. And you know what? I am generally confident. I generally like myself, I like the way I communicate with people, I like how I can ease you into a conversation, but I would also really like to celebrate someone else’s insecurities. I would like to show someone that lot’s of the things they’re conscious about are not real to me, just as I would like to get the same in return. But I can’t just fall for every guy, who feels the same way, you know.

Yet I’m far from the thought that a “perfect” partner exists. I’m ready to work on both myself and the relationship to make sure that it really works, but the thing is that not everyone that I like is ready to do the same. Actually no one is, because if they were, I wouldn’t be single, would I? And yes, I’m pretty sick of people asking me why I’m single. It’s not like I’ve planned on it, but I’m not ready to settle with the wrong person just so everyone could shut up. Including the little voice in my head, which keeps saying that maybe…just maybe I’m not good enough for anyone and maybe there is something really wrong with me that I cannot ever fix. I hate that voice. I wish I could drown it in a pool of its own malice, but so far it’s got a pretty good point, you know.

So yeah. I wish I could humor you with a nice funny story, but this is what I’m thinking about. And anyone who says that they don’t need the other gender’s validation is a fucking liar. You want it. We all want to be desired and valued, but unfortunately that can’t happen to everyone at the same time.

And sometimes the physical attraction just isn’t enough. Sorry. 

//Stef

Rant. Rant. Rant.

Hey!

So I guess wanting it to happen or not, Pampas week is over, the alcohol has been drunk and it’s time to return back to reality.

I’m not gonna lie, I had been waiting for that week since last November and it was everything I wanted it to be. Apart from everyone being REALLY drunk, it felt like a nice little holiday without any sleep. Just the fact that I went away from Helsinki was enough for me to loosen up, escape all my worries here and have a good time.

But now I’m back. Every now and then I get these little panic attacks, which feel like a nasty cold shower over your entire body and today is one of those times again. I start getting worked up about things I have little control over and it really sucks. So…I LOVE Helsinki with all of my heart, it’s the best city that I have ever lived in, it has given me so much, it’s beautiful and light, there are so many parties going on, all of my friends are a bus ride away from me and everything, BUT lately I’ve been feeling like I would like to change things up even if for a little bit (a year or two). I have too many things going on in Helsinki and some of them are not as good as I had hoped. I do realize that it’s just me, but I don’t think I should have the levels of stress I have now on daily basis, when I’m not even doing anything that special. It’s all work, work, work and even though I’m glad I have SOME work, it’s definitely not what I want to do and the fact that I can’t find anything else for over a year even though I’m sending applications like crazy, really frustrates me. You have no idea.

I haven’t talked about this before I think (in this blog), but imagine how I feel. Not many people know that being a foreigner in Finland practically sucks. I can’t get ANY of the benefits you Finns are getting, so I HAVE TO work all the time to pay my bills. And study at the same time. Which I wouldn’t mind if I had a job I could call at least a little bit of fun. Instead I have to wake up at 4am on every single weekend, so I could be at work at 6am, so I could do stuff for the University of Helsinki that even a monkey can do. Do you know how many parties I’ve missed? Exchange students have been calling me a crappy tutor for not being around, when I really can’t help it. Do I wish I could have a day off? Please, I wish I could have a year off. But this is not how it works, I go to work even if I’m sick. I’ve grown to despise this job, which puts extra stress on me, because I just can’t seem to find another one.

So I want to move. I don’t want to be here doing this anymore. I want to go to a smaller city, where everyone knows each other. I want to walk into a bar and have someone from there that I know. I want to just…escape, I guess. And I’ve been thinking about this a lot (seriously, over a few months) and I think I would like to move to Vaasa. Jessica, please don’t kill me.

Everyone, who knows me is aware of how much I love that city. Why not go and live there for a while? I’d probably be coming down to Helsinki every weekend anyway. I want a change so bad. I got the same study line over there, so I could just transfer there. Rent is cheaper, distances are not that big, I’ll get to know people… I want to do it! I really fucking do. But of course it’s not that easy (no way, Stefani, another thing doesn’t come easy for you? What a fucking surprise). I still need to work to pay my bills and well…work and Vaasa don’t really go together for someone like me.

Basically, I’ve survived quite a lot of bullshit, but one thing I don’t understand is why do things have to come to me in a more difficult manner than to everyone else? Am I just imagining or is it really like that? “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but I don’t need your goddamn quotes, when I couldn’t care less how strong I am, when I’ve been constantly under more pressure than other people. I know exactly how strong I am. I’ve been on my own since I was 16, I’m a fucking beast. That doesn’t mean that just because I can take life on “difficult” mode, I deserve to do it. I know life isn’t fair, but I am a social and smart person with a lot of interests, I am nice as hell, I’ve never hurt anyone, I go buy homeless people lunch, for christ’s sake, I don’t deserve this discrimination based on my nationality (cause mind you, I do speak Finnish and even a little bit of Swedish). I just want to move to Vaasa for an unknown period of time and live a peaceful life, have some time to myself and figure out what I want to do with my life, but I guess that’s too much to ask of life.

Sorry for this rant, had to get it out there.

//Stef – have a nice day!