No posts in June, July and even August. Longest I’ve ever been quiet. :D The entire summer has gone without being documented here.
So what have I been up to? Mainly working. The summer hasn’t exactly been the warmest I’ve experienced (if one compares it to last year’s summer), so I don’t feel like I’ve missed on a lot of summer nights and hangouts, which is good. I did, of course go out and have fun every now and then, but it wasn’t really a routine thing. What was routine though was the 4.30am wake ups and the regular talks with the security guards of my work place, who are now my homies cause I’ve been setting off the alarm wayyyy too many times.
Let’s see, in June I went to Stockholm with Salla, Sara and Sami, who had brought along their summer exchange student Alana from New York. She’s mad chill, I really really liked her and would like to go visit her in Manhattan sometime soon if I get the opportunity!
Then a few days after we got back, I left to Hanko with Sophie and okay, I have to be honest here…I really, REALLY enjoy taking pictures of her, cause she’s gorgeous and magnificent and fierce and just ahhhh. You know how sometimes you meet a person and you instantly hit it off with them and it feels like you’ve been friends for 10 years already? Yeah, she’s like that. Such a shame that it took me so long to actually start talking to her, cause I was her tutor last year, but never really got to know her well until the end of April. Anyway, I’ve been loving our photosessions and here are a few of my favorite pics of her which I’ve taken:
What a chica! But yeah, we went with her to chill in Hanko for the regatta, met a few of her friends there and a few of mine, got a nasty sunburn the morning after and basically had lots of fun. :D 2 weeks later I went to visit Sophie in her home town Porvoo and got to meet her super awesome parents and again have a drinking night at this thing called Tirmo Blues, which I don’t really remember what it was, cause I was running around talking to people all the time and couldn’t pay attention to the happening… :D haha! But I think it was fun, as well, though the weather was shit and I slipped on a slippery rock and fell really hard on my hip (yep, it left a HUGE bruise). I only got to see Freddie (a friend of mine) for like 2 minutes even though I was excited about seeing him all evening, so that was a bummer! :( BUT I got to meet new people once again and it’s always fun when that happens especially when I’m not too drunk to talk to them.
But yeah after that the party front had been really quiet for a while if you exclude the casual weekday bar hangouts with friends, buuuuuut in my defense, I was busy with work and switching apartments (yes, I live in a new place now, yay!). I had to paint a few walls myself, which turned out better than expected! Joel helped me for a few hours the first time I went there, so I’m really really grateful to him for doing that, cause lawd knows he ain’t the type of guy to do manual labor. :D
So anyway, I moved in successfully and a few days after that I was off to home sweet home! Hadn’t been there in a year and a half, so I was quite excited about the trip to be honest.
My time there consisted of mainly 3 things: eating, sunbathing and drinking. God knows I tried to get a tan, I really did! Still, I came back from the trip almost as white as I was before I left, but much more frustrated and angry about it. However the beach was awesome and hot and the temperatures were always above 30 degrees, so I was really having a great time! Not to mention that my mom and grandma wanted to make me all of the food that I like, so there was a feast at home every day and I’m not gonna lie..I like being spoiled.
I also went drinking with my mom, cause she’s one of my best friends and I had missed her SO FREAKING MUCH!!! Also my boobs looked bangin’ in the dress she gave me, so hahaha :D *being modest here* We went on a roadtrip with her for a few days and on that trip I lost my first ever bet, so she made me run naked outside. Thankfully we were in the middle of nowhere and it was around midnight, so there weren’t that many witnesses to this atrocious sight. But she had a good laugh, which I guess was the most important thing.
Anyway, now I’m back in Finland and the school parties have already started! Me and Sophie have been inseparable (no joke, we’ve been together ALL THE TIME! :D) and our livers have already started to adjust to the upcoming fall. It’s going to be amazing!
I’m also now living with Stina, which is super awesome, cause I’m for the first time ever living with a friend, which has been a long-overdue dream of mine. Love itttt. And we’re super close to school, too, so we could just walk there, awesome location!
But yeah, this is what I’ve been up to this summer, let’s see how the fall will go! ;)
Seeing as this week is mental health awareness week, I thought I’d put in my 2 cents on a topic I’m very familiar with.
Now, I don’t have a mental health problem (at least I hope not or if I do, it’s not a big one) and I don’t think I’ve ever had one. By that I mean any eating disorders, depression, OCD, paranoia, bipolar disorders and so on… There is nothing wrong with people having any of these and they’re not “crazy”, it’s just like a physical sickness that can be treated with therapy and medication. Or so I’ve heard. I choose to support people struggling with their own consciousness.
However, I have experienced anxiety and mood swings first hand and I know how much it SUCKS, when people tell you to brush it off, get over it and do what is right (or you’re supposed to do or whatever the thing is that you’re anxious about.) I am a grown woman and I still to this day have issues with talking on the phone. I know most people have this fear up until a point in their lives, but for me it has turned into a nightmare that I need to go through on daily basis. Of course it’s not with everyone I know, but you have to be a really good friend of mine for me to be comfortable with calling you without getting a shaky voice and sweaty palms.
TEXT ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. TEXT. It’s the one thing I’m good at. Because if I have to call you, I’ll be thinking about it all day, looking at my phone like it’s a device made from Satan himself. I’ll be plucking up the courage for 4 hours, I’ll have weird scenarios playing in my head, I’ll go through every possible thing you could say and I’ll try to come up with a comeback for all of it before I even think of dialing. And when I finally do it, I’ll pray to every god that you don’t hear your phone and don’t answer, because I don’t want to go through having a voice conversation with you.
This is why it’s very difficult for me to call people I’ve never seen before – asking for jobs, having administrative calls, hunting for apartments, calling your mom to tell her you’re with me, etc… I am absolutely mortified of the whole experience.
I get the same thing when I speak foreign languages, I get anxious, very very scared and confused. Truth is, I CAN speak more than just English and I can speak just fine, but that little voice inside my head won’t let me. There isn’t even a good explanation for how I feel every time I have to speak Finnish or Swedish and the worst part is that people around me just don’t understand. I would have a pretty chill job if I wouldn’t be so stressed about having to speak a foreign language with strangers. All the time. I get a big adrenaline rush and I want to exit the situation as fast as possible, often I do the work faster than I’m supposed to just so I can get away from the people. And I’m anxious about getting fired, too. For no reason, I’m a good employee yet I always have the feeling that I’m not good enough, that I’ve messed something up and that soon I’ll get what’s coming my way. 2 years ago I was so scared and stressed about all this that I cried every night when I went to sleep, because I knew I had to go to work the next morning.
Don’t say you understand anxious people, when you don’t. It’s the worst.
“But you’re so social and talkative, I’ve never noticed anything serious with you” <– I get that so often! True, I’m a social beast and I do LIKE people, but only in situations, in which I feel safe, comfortable and relaxed. Partying, for example. Nothing I do really matters, so I loosen up and have fun and that’s when most of you get to know me. Try talking to me, when I’m at work and you’ll see what “silent treatment” really means. Being anxious isn’t a synonym for not being social or enjoying people’s company, it means that in some situations you have a harder time with letting go and doing mundane tasks than others.
I don’t have a severe case of anxiety, I don’t understand a lot of things about it and I DO call people on the phone if there is absolutely no other way around it, but I do make it a bigger deal than most people would. I do get some episodes of completely unnecessary anxiety for things like school projects, certain people (1 at a time), work and self-development, but I believe all of us have that. I however feel very sorry for all those poor souls, who suffer from serious anxiety attacks on daily basis and I hope they talk to someone about it.
Been reading lots of posts about mental health this week, so great to see what people think and say about their own issues. :) And of course, if you really have something serious to work out, you should always consult a professional in the field, don’t wallow in it!
//Stef – toodaloo
My room is a mess, I should clean it up. In fact, quite many things in my life are a mess that I need to clean up.
Please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes in this blog post, I am utterly intoxicated and perhaps not in the greatest condition to write about the topic that I want to write about.. Which by the way is guys. Again. I will probably delete this post as soon as I wake up, but for now, I just need to let it out.
I got the following message on facebook: “I’ve seen a couple of your videos on Youtube. Why is it that such a gorgeous women as yourself is single. It makes no freakin sense……….are your standards too high, or do you enjoy the single life too much?”
It’s not the single life that I enjoy. At any given point, I am interested in SOME guy. I never do the first step, because I’m so terrified of them not liking me back, I’m terrified of showing myself to someone and them not liking it, which I know is natural to everyone. But you know what, not many people have tried to actually get to know me. There has been the occasional small talk texting, which at this point is oh so trivial to me, but it rarely goes deeper than that. Sure, I’m not interested in everyone and I think that’s normal, but no has really tried to get under my skin, you know.
I get SO MANY guys trying to go out with me, to dance with me on the dance floor, to talk to me between songs, to buy me a drink and get my number, to take me out on a date, to tell me I’m beautiful…I’m in no way lacking attention. I get compliments even from random people I’ve never seen before and of course that makes me smile, but…I don’t care for all this superficial attention if no one is willing to get to know me. I know I sound like such a woman, but I’m not ready to be with someone, who just wants my body (which by the way I do have some issues with). I have the “serious relationship type of girl” sign written all over my forehead. Because I am one. And I am sometimes ashamed of it, because it seems like it’s not what everyone else wants to see.
I know there is nothing to be ashamed of, I know I don’t have to sleep with every potential “Romeo” and I don’t have to dumb myself down to look easily approachable, but sometimes it feels like this is all I have to be to get the person I want. And I’m not ready to do that. I don’t think I ever will be. By now I’m so sick of the “the right one will come eventually” line and the accusations of being single by choice.
Yes, I’m single by choice. Excuse me for wanting something meaningful out of a relationship. Excuse me for being a university student and not going to bed with anyone, who is interested in me on the first night. Excuse me for liking the wrong people, who have their own issues, which I have no part in. Excuse me for not being able to help who I like. Or who I don’t. You can call it a high standard, you can call it whatever you want, but it is what it is.
I’m not in love. Do you know how much I wish I was? And that it would be shared? Very. I wish I could wake up to someone and not think “does he actually like me?”, because I would know he does. No matter what. No matter how insecure I am about some things and no matter how I look without any makeup on. And you know what? I am generally confident. I generally like myself, I like the way I communicate with people, I like how I can ease you into a conversation, but I would also really like to celebrate someone else’s insecurities. I would like to show someone that lot’s of the things they’re conscious about are not real to me, just as I would like to get the same in return. But I can’t just fall for every guy, who feels the same way, you know.
Yet I’m far from the thought that a “perfect” partner exists. I’m ready to work on both myself and the relationship to make sure that it really works, but the thing is that not everyone that I like is ready to do the same. Actually no one is, because if they were, I wouldn’t be single, would I? And yes, I’m pretty sick of people asking me why I’m single. It’s not like I’ve planned on it, but I’m not ready to settle with the wrong person just so everyone could shut up. Including the little voice in my head, which keeps saying that maybe…just maybe I’m not good enough for anyone and maybe there is something really wrong with me that I cannot ever fix. I hate that voice. I wish I could drown it in a pool of its own malice, but so far it’s got a pretty good point, you know.
So yeah. I wish I could humor you with a nice funny story, but this is what I’m thinking about. And anyone who says that they don’t need the other gender’s validation is a fucking liar. You want it. We all want to be desired and valued, but unfortunately that can’t happen to everyone at the same time.
And sometimes the physical attraction just isn’t enough. Sorry.
So I guess wanting it to happen or not, Pampas week is over, the alcohol has been drunk and it’s time to return back to reality.
I’m not gonna lie, I had been waiting for that week since last November and it was everything I wanted it to be. Apart from everyone being REALLY drunk, it felt like a nice little holiday without any sleep. Just the fact that I went away from Helsinki was enough for me to loosen up, escape all my worries here and have a good time.
But now I’m back. Every now and then I get these little panic attacks, which feel like a nasty cold shower over your entire body and today is one of those times again. I start getting worked up about things I have little control over and it really sucks. So…I LOVE Helsinki with all of my heart, it’s the best city that I have ever lived in, it has given me so much, it’s beautiful and light, there are so many parties going on, all of my friends are a bus ride away from me and everything, BUT lately I’ve been feeling like I would like to change things up even if for a little bit (a year or two). I have too many things going on in Helsinki and some of them are not as good as I had hoped. I do realize that it’s just me, but I don’t think I should have the levels of stress I have now on daily basis, when I’m not even doing anything that special. It’s all work, work, work and even though I’m glad I have SOME work, it’s definitely not what I want to do and the fact that I can’t find anything else for over a year even though I’m sending applications like crazy, really frustrates me. You have no idea.
I haven’t talked about this before I think (in this blog), but imagine how I feel. Not many people know that being a foreigner in Finland practically sucks. I can’t get ANY of the benefits you Finns are getting, so I HAVE TO work all the time to pay my bills. And study at the same time. Which I wouldn’t mind if I had a job I could call at least a little bit of fun. Instead I have to wake up at 4am on every single weekend, so I could be at work at 6am, so I could do stuff for the University of Helsinki that even a monkey can do. Do you know how many parties I’ve missed? Exchange students have been calling me a crappy tutor for not being around, when I really can’t help it. Do I wish I could have a day off? Please, I wish I could have a year off. But this is not how it works, I go to work even if I’m sick. I’ve grown to despise this job, which puts extra stress on me, because I just can’t seem to find another one.
So I want to move. I don’t want to be here doing this anymore. I want to go to a smaller city, where everyone knows each other. I want to walk into a bar and have someone from there that I know. I want to just…escape, I guess. And I’ve been thinking about this a lot (seriously, over a few months) and I think I would like to move to Vaasa. Jessica, please don’t kill me.
Everyone, who knows me is aware of how much I love that city. Why not go and live there for a while? I’d probably be coming down to Helsinki every weekend anyway. I want a change so bad. I got the same study line over there, so I could just transfer there. Rent is cheaper, distances are not that big, I’ll get to know people… I want to do it! I really fucking do. But of course it’s not that easy (no way, Stefani, another thing doesn’t come easy for you? What a fucking surprise). I still need to work to pay my bills and well…work and Vaasa don’t really go together for someone like me.
Basically, I’ve survived quite a lot of bullshit, but one thing I don’t understand is why do things have to come to me in a more difficult manner than to everyone else? Am I just imagining or is it really like that? “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but I don’t need your goddamn quotes, when I couldn’t care less how strong I am, when I’ve been constantly under more pressure than other people. I know exactly how strong I am. I’ve been on my own since I was 16, I’m a fucking beast. That doesn’t mean that just because I can take life on “difficult” mode, I deserve to do it. I know life isn’t fair, but I am a social and smart person with a lot of interests, I am nice as hell, I’ve never hurt anyone, I go buy homeless people lunch, for christ’s sake, I don’t deserve this discrimination based on my nationality (cause mind you, I do speak Finnish and even a little bit of Swedish). I just want to move to Vaasa for an unknown period of time and live a peaceful life, have some time to myself and figure out what I want to do with my life, but I guess that’s too much to ask of life.
Sorry for this rant, had to get it out there.
//Stef – have a nice day!
So I didn’t want to make a video about this, but I did wanna say something about it, so here’s the blog post.
Something very fascinating to me – football culture. As a little kid I remember playing football in the school yard with the big kids (the 7-th graders, lol). That’s actually how I broke my braces, which I didn’t really need that bad, but still to this day I have a small scar on the inside of my lip reminding me to never play football in a skirt. Not that I would ever.
Football is a HUGE thing back home. You have no idea. I had a favorite team before I even hit pre-school, it’s always been the classical battle between the reds and the blues…And you don’t even have to watch football to have a favorite team, it’s so weird. Like, for the life of me, I couldn’t name a single player from Levski FC, but I was “rooting” for them, cause there is no middle ground – you CAN’T not have a favorite team no matter who you are. I wouldn’t think twice about it as a kid, but now that I look back, it seems strange.
To be fair, I’ve never actually been really interested in football, so I would never know which team is advancing where and what’s their performance. I mean, I did watch the entire 2010 world cup, but that was about it. I’ve maybe went to see a few local games between some shitty teams, but I never felt that “passion” guys feel when they turn on their TV and grab a beer, you know?
It’s been on the news semi-regularly how hooligans are setting stadiums on fire and beating fans of other football clubs, so I didn’t feel like it was something for me. I’ve kept an eye on the games every now and then, so this is how we get to my turning point. Last summer. Netherlands absolutely RAPED Spain on the pitch, it was just so surreal, all the emotions I felt while watching the game, it was a whole new sensation. Suddenly all those men with a beer in their hand made total sense and I was hooked.
Since then I’ve been following the football scene more or less closely (though I wouldn’t call myself a know-it-all) and I’ve noticed so many things about the culture that you wouldn’t otherwise pay attention to. For example, people take pride in the FC they support. It’s just the players who win the games, yet every fan is referring to themselves as a part of the team, it’s always “we” and not “they”. On the other hand they come up with foul names for other teams and go against each other like they’re mortal enemies. Why? I understand that it’s all a competition, but I don’t feel the need to tell someone to go kill themselves, because they’re a Chelsea fan (for example).
If one of your own team’s players is playing nasty, you’re encouraging them, but if a member of the opposite team does the same, you downright level them with the ground. Hypocritical as hell. Also lots of credit still remains to be given to great players no matter what team they’re playing for. I can name some GREAT lads from many different teams, but I think the fact that I’m new to all this is preventing me from being too subjective, which is good. But I look at the game more than everything else surrounding it (e.x. statistics, advancements, signings, etc.), because I think that’s the most important thing after all. A team can be the best in the world and if the game is boring, I’d still be disappointed.
With that being said, I don’t watch too many games at bars, cause I rarely find the company to do it (oh, how I miss my Germans, they would always watch with me!), so I use streams quite a lot and THE MOST ANNOYING THING for me are the chats. I know I can disable them, but sometimes I leave them on just to see what kind of people are watching the game and 9/10 it’s always IDIOTS with user names like PSG4eva1997 saying stuff like “I am PSG fan from FRANCE PSG BEST team in the world” on a Monaco – Arsenal game. Seriously, who the fuck cares? No contribution to the commentary of the game whatsoever, yet it manages to get on your every nerve by just existing. And God forbid a girl enters the conversation… The whole situation reminds me of a bunch of drunk 15 year olds, who can’t control themselves…which I’m sure is exactly what it is.
Aside from that, it’s pretty cool to see the political, economical and global influence football has on us as a whole. I mean it’s a huge business and it tackles important issues such as racism, bullying and equality more than you would think. Some great minds are football fans, Russel Brand for example (who I will endlessly adore for his eloquence and strive to educate the common folk about our surroundings), so it’s not all going down the drain.
It IS a man’s world, but so what? As a proud woman, I like football as well. I bet there are some guys out there, who sincerely enjoy Sex and the City, too. :)
//Stef – important game on Sunday coming up!
Last few weeks have been really strange for me.
As most of you know, I’m pretty damn social, I think I know quite many people and I’m fairly easy to talk to.
Anyway, recently I’ve been getting a lot of comments on my looks, which I think is weird. I’ve never been the girl, who gets all the guys or someone who thinks super highly of themselves (not to be confused with having no self-confidence), nor have I had a reason to be that person. I used to get compliments every now and then, I know I’m not ugly or anything, but lately it’s been completely different.
I don’t know if it’s the videos or just the new people or the way I put my lipstick or what, but compliments have been raining on me like never before. Gay women, lots of guys, my family and friends…everyone! I’m a bit confused as to what is going on.
I’ve heard on multiple occasions people who I don’t even know commenting on how good I look and I’m always so flattered, it’s crazy!
I will be lying if I say I don’t like the attention, I think everyone will smile if someone tells them they’re beautiful. But I’ve always thought of myself as a person just like…your mom, for example. You don’t just sit there for hours admiring your own mom’s beauty, that’s just…no. I see myself the way my friends see myself – not faceless, but my looks are rather concealed by my personality, cause they don’t hang out with my selfie 24/7. Does it make sense?
Sure I’ve got kickass boobs and an okay-looking face, but I don’t look at myself in the mirror every morning thinking what a catch I am. I’m waaaaaaaaaaaay more proud of my personality. If I would be as confident with my looks as I am with my character, I don’t think there would be a more arrogant person than me. Which is why I’m kind of humbled by those people’s compliments. You have no idea how often I think that how I look like is not enough. I think about my skin, hair, weight, whatever on daily basis and I try to make myself think that it doesn’t matter and that people will like me for who I am.
Guess that’s not true and people just think I’m hot, which is ofc nice, but it also means that if I wouldn’t be hot, they wouldn’t like to get to know me and that kinda sucks, cause I get better the more you speak to me. We live in a superficial world, friends. I’m also a big part of it all. I currently have a crush on someone and I’m too afraid to say it, not because he might not like me, but because he might only like me for my looks, which is scary. How in the world would I be able to get away from the stigma that “hot chicks” are for one time consumption? I hate even the thought of someone not wanting to get to know me and I’m not even THAT attractive, so I honestly feel sorry for the drop-dead-gorgeous girls out there.
Aaanyway, thanks for all of your kind words and support in one way or another, I love talking to all of you and I know that most of you actually know me, which is great! It feels strange to write a post about something like this, but I was all out of ideas, so oh well.
Also I hadn’t done a post in over a month, so I thought I had to write about SOMETHING.
//Stef – have a good one.