So yes? ( 😀 )
I’m not going to go very deep on this…I think. This is just something that I’ve been meaning to write for a while now.
Expectations vs. Reality. What does this mean? You go to your dad hoping that he will give you 800 lv., but instead he gives you 20 lv. But it can also be interpreted in a good way. You make your exam and you think you fucked it big time and a week later you get a grade 2 times higher than what you thought you’d get.
I rarely get something I don’t expect, cause I’m good at judging the situation. But sometimes I do and most of the times it’s bad. You cannot imagine the disappointment I feel when something I want doesn’t happen.
But what is this all about? I was just talking to Radin (the other Varna exchange student in Germany) and I asked him if Germany lived up to his expectations…and did he have ones in general. He said that this was just what he has to write about right now, so I left him do it, but I figured…what are my expectations?
I’m trying not to tell you this in every single one of my posts, but I don’t remember having a day in which I don’t think about going to Finland. I get up in the morning, thinking “go through this day in order to get one step closer to Finland” and I go to sleep thinking “xxx more days to go! I hope they pass me by fast.” and even during the day I sometimes think “How much more?”. I ALWAYS think about Finland, it’s driving me insane. I have so many other things to do and yet, as I do them, my purpose of doing them IS Suomi. Weird, ha?
I was literally devastated, when the nice german lady from YFU called me to say that they really loved meeting me, but I’m a year younger and I have to wait for another year. I cried myself to sleep every night for a month and a half. Nobody could understand me, my mom used to come into my room, hug me and bring me a hot cup of tea, saying “Honey don’t cry! Maybe that’s for the best. Besides it’s not a big deal, you’ll go next year.”. I love my mother so much, but she didn’t understand me. Even I didn’t understand me. I was feeling SO miserable, it was absurd. But this was important to me, it really was! I’m not usually focused on something so big for so long. Before I knew about the organization, me and Gergana were looking for part time jobs, so we can go to Finland on our own, without our parents having to pay for all of the expenses. That was 3 years ago.
The bad part of it all is that I’ve been in hell for the past year…not because I hate it here, but because I can’t be where I want to. And do you know how hard it is, when the school material has always got something to do with Finland and my classmates are literally mocking me (those heartless creatures). Well, I’m used to it now and I don’t give a fuck about what they say, but I did back then and it wasn’t nice.
So my expectations are pretty high and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I mean, I want a lot of new friends, parties, booze, sauna, snowman, CLOTHES (H&M, finally!), metal concerts and cool prom! I SO want this! Also, I’d love to meet Sturm und Drang and some other acts that I have my eye on. I’d like to meet all of the people, who are up for meeting me (such as Jenna and Ria)…maybe even fly out with Kristiina Huttunen, who’s half bulgarian and lives in Varna…
Aaand I hope reality isn’t much rougher than this. Please, please, please, reality…live up to my expectations!!!!
//Stef – listening to Eminem.