I’m not sure if I should talk about this here, but I need to say it to myself…maybe read it later and think about it.
I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s my father again. I’ve never liked him, but I’ve always loved him…at least a little bit!
And just as I am learning to love myself, to be confident with my body, to stop thinking about my flaws, he calls me. I was basically silent during the most of the conversation. It went something like:
“Stefani? I’m calling you to tell you that you should be with any men you like. Don’t let yourself down, you’re a jellyfish, you look repulsive. If I were your age, I wouldn’t have looked at you at all. You should be like those models, you should do more sports…you’re going to get your fat ass kicked at first, but that’s how it goes. Stop eating, you look like a pig. You’re never going to make it like that. Remember that looks is better than brains…bllablablablbalbalab”
Seriously? The thing I’m most insecure about is my weight, I don’t need him to tell me I’m fat. Especially not, when I’ve been trying to loose it since September and I’ve had good results. And I’m not even that fat, I’m not even overweight. I felt HORRIBLE. AWFUL. I cried and cried and he just said “the truth hurts”. Okay. Seriously, dad – I fucking don’t like you as a person.
I kept my mouth shut, when he wanted to be a father and gave me money and 2 days after that he took it back. I don’t need his money, nor his affection. I just want his signature on the YFU papers and I don’t want him in my life from then on. I want to forget about his bullshit. I truly believe that life will get even with him. He will be punished for all the pain he has caused me since I was a baby. I hope so.
Now I feel guilty for not feeling hungry. I feel guilty for not being 5 kg less. I feel guilty for everything I’ve eaten those past few days.
Not everything is food and weight, but right now, it is to me. I KNOW that I can’t fit into a size 2 jeans and it’s so tragic, I can’t even explain how bad I feel right now. I want to look even fatter in his eyes, to get him frustrated, to make him tick, but I also want to be an underwear model, just to feel better. I don’t understand why is he doing this to me, I never did/said anything wrong, although maybe I should have.
I. JUST. WANT. TO. FEEL. BEAUTIFUL. for once in my life. And he’s determined to postpone that dream of mine for as long as he can. Well, thank you daddy, you always know how to make your little princess feel special. Go to hell.