I’ve had the weirdest afternoon! It felt like a past period of time was repeating all over again.
So, first of all, I’m at my aunt’s place for some days and I’m always here during the summer and it’s really creepy how everything is repeating itself. I mean, the kids are currently watching EXACT SAME cartoon as they did last year, I’m sitting in the exact same place and I’m listening to the exact same song. And my aunt is gone, just like last year. And I’m afraid tha she’ll come nd I’ll have to get up from her laptop (like I was last year, haha). And now, I’m writing a blog post, just like last year. IT’S REALLY WEIRD.
And you know what? Not only is the environment the same, but the feelings as well. And I wasn’t at my best back then. When I checked into facebook and I saw this one person online on the chat, it immediately put me in this oh, so familiar mood. Despite the fact that I haven’t spoken with/about this person for A REALLY LONG TIME (probably more than a year), and I haven’t thought of him either, the desperation he brought me today by just being online was awful. I felt this strange mix of excitement, sadness, euphoria and desperation and rejection. Like I really wanted to say hi, but I knew that he would hurt me by saying something mean, so I didn’t even bother. I know him.
The feeling also resembles the end of 8-th grade, when I met Evgeni and we were having a great time and then he turned out to be something completely different than what I thought he was. It was a really bad experience for me, since I really cared for him and I was ready to do a lot of things for him, cause he made me happy at the time and what’s wrong with being happy? Wherever he went, I couldn’t wait for him to come back. I was thinking about him all day long and I was constantly smiling. In the back of my head I knew I was going to end up hurt and disappointed, but I wanted to give myself 100% to the moment. I wanted everything to be true SO MUCH, that I completely ignored the signs that it was fake. I kept living in my illusion and I fell down from pretty high.
I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I ever allowed myself to make the same mistake with the person from facebook (that I told you about earlier). He was like “Oh, let’s hang out, you’re pretty, you’re smart, I like you” and I should’ve been like “Yeah, right. Hit the road, please”, cause he was a total asshole from the very beginning, but I’m the kind of person that gives people a chance. And they always blow it, for fuck’s sake! I always think “Stefani, this time it might be different, you never know. Try, show them who you are. Show them your soul. If they don’t like it, it wouldn’t be s bad, you’re not attached or anything.” And this is where I begin to lie to myself. Who am I kidding? I attach easily. I don’t need much. Just a nice conversation that I can relate to. Just someone, who understands what I’m saying, someone who’ll tell me more about himself without being too cocky and childish, someone who can take a joke. And I’m there. Well, maybe I’m not in love, but I’m attached enough to care for this person enough that it hurts me, when it doesn’t work out.
I’m not obsessive, I just like to watch and learn. Yes, I like to talk, but I don’t know what to say/do anymore. I don’t want to forget how it feels like, when it hurts, cause I want to be weary. But then, I want to try again – to be myself. I feel like I’m ready to show who I am.
And now, all of a sudden, out of nowhere these feelings come back to life and I hate them . But I also enjoy them being back. I haven’t felt anything in a while. And as Adam from TDG said “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all”. I checked my phone and I found some really old messages from one of those two guys. Let me quote you some: “Him: Where are you? Don’t you disappear like that without telling me. I miss you, call me” ; “Him: I’m going to bed and I’d like you to know that you’re very special to me. Good night.”; “Him: Did you really think that I would leave without saying goodbye?”; “Him: I don’t know what’s going on, where is Nelly, is this about her? I love you.”; “Him: Let’s skip the ice cream and the cards, teddybear. I’ll be waiting for you at [..] I want to show you something”.
And now I sit here and I think “Bullshit”, son of a bitch, I’ll always help you, when you need me, but god, how I hate what you did to me. I was mentally unstable for months after he went aboard. And we were never officially together. We were just too good friends. And now I don’t want friendships anymore. I stopped communicating with everyone I knew back then, cause they reminded me of him and it was painful, just trying not to cry at someone’s shoulder. He did something I will never be able to do to someone that close to me. I’m glad that I’m comfortable talking about it now, but he changed my life…my friend.
Fuck you, to everyone, who screwed with me and to those of you, who’re coming my way – fuck you, too.
//Stef – at least I said what I think, right?