Movies.

Yes, movies.

So…I really enjoy watching movies. Like…that’s some relaxing thing that I love to do very, very, very often. See, movies and me have a love-hate relationship. I love watching them, because they carry me away and tell me a story that I would like to hear. It’s magic. And that’s exactly why I hate them. It literally hurts, when I don’t see what happens next or it ends badly.

Just some examples: the ending episode of “Friends”, Harry Potter, Signe from Äideistä parhain dying after she turned out to be good, The curious case of Bengamin Button, the King’s speech, Before Sunrise and many, many more.

I feel so, so, so, SO miserable, when I see those movies again, cause I know what happens in the end. And yeah, Harry Potter didn’t end bad, but it’s my childhood right there and besides, I don’t see Albus fucking Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, Lupin, Tonks, Sirius and Hedwig running around heaven like they own the freaking place! And even Bellatrix and Voldy…why couldn’t they have lived and make another epic battle in 8 years or so? Screw you, Rowling. Screw you and your shitty books. I hate you. You think you can just give us Harry Potter like it’s a folk song and then take him away like Iraq did with many american kids’ dads? AND YOU DARE CRY AT THE PREMIERE AND SAY THAT HOGWARTS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TO WELCOME US HOME??????????? SADIST!!!  I will never ever read anything of yours again.

And I know that this is just stupid, but I care for the Harry Potter world as much as I care about my mom. And that’s a lot. And if I had the chance, I’d delete that from my memory, so I don’t get fucking sad every time I read that name. Damn.

And the war film with Eero? Okay, Signe was bad, why couldn’t she have just…stayed bad? Why did we have to learn about her dead daughter and understand her??? Why was that dramatic scene of her running after Eero in slow motion, while they’re taking him away from her? And nobody cares that I actually cry at sad movies.

AND THAT “Whiskey lullaby” SONG. Are you kidding me? Are you just trying to finish me? Am I supposed to live in a pool full of my own tears? Haha, so funny, let’s fuck around with some exchange student’s feelings and make a ton of sad stuff.

And let’s get serious for a second. I think I’m more mentally unstable now, when I’m away from home. Not because I miss Bulgaria (I don’t), it’s because I can feel this time slipping away through my fingers, it runs so fast and I can’t stop it. I’m having a great time and I don’t want it to end. I feel like this is MY year. And I’m going to be so miserable, when it ends. I’ll be sitting in my bed in Bulgaria with no friends, cause they would’ve forgotten me by then and my real friends will be here, missing me (and vice versa) and I’ll want to come back for the whole year and…I will not be able to. It’s so sad, when I come to think of it.

And I’ll always remember this year and It will be another “Harry Potter” to my life. I don’t want that. I want to be free. Not be sad about the past and think too much of the future. I’m saying this, because now it feels like I have a double life. From Varna I’m missing Gergana, Ivana, Rumen, Viktor, Damyan, Venci, Cveti and I’m scared that I’ll be forgotten. We’re not much of friends now, I don’t think that most of them care about where in the world I am, but they’re special to me in a way that I can’t explain. And when I come back to my old life, THIS, what I’m having here, will be my other worry. Will my friends here forget me? Will I ever see them again? Will the people here think of me, when I’m gone? It’s important for me to be missed. It means that I did something with my time. I became special to someone.

I’m always myself. I’m not very shy, I’m loud and curly and happy and I make jokes, I’m friendly, I like people, I’m social and sometimes all these things are too much for people that I want to have a connection with. I can’t imagine that someone would be sitting near me and  would like to talk to me, but doesn’t, because he/she thinks I’m too cool for them. And I think that about almost every person here in Finland. Everyone else is cooler than me. I HONESTLY think everyone is great. I’m trying to be good at a lot of things, just so people would like me more. I know that I shouldn’t, but I still do it.

And now I’m missing Anjalankoski again, because of a few special people that made the orientation camp amazing. I attach too easily L Unfortunately…

And now I start having friends in school. I mean, actual friends. And that’s cool. That’s very, very cool. I still don’t have a partner for the vanhat dances, cause the guy I would like to ask already has a partner and I’m not sure that he’s aware of my existence, so I’m still looking. This is going to suck, but I’m still doing it. I’m going to watch that fairly nice guy dance with someone else and I’m probably going to dance with someone I don’t even know yet, but that’s life. I can’t get everything I want, can I? ;D

Now I’m in a kinda shitty mood, I’m going to go to sauna and just think about what I just wrote.

P.S: I love my blog. 

Here’s some pictures of me and some friends from school:

//Stef

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