So, the last few days have been eventful in an uneventful kind of way.
So Monday was pretty much okay, not much going on then, but I just felt good, you know…like anything was possible. I ate a lot of candy and got hyper active in the evening, which resulted in me spamming my friends’ walls and bombing everyone with random statuses. Then something happened out of nowhere and my mood went so down, you can’t even imagine how miserable I felt at one point. I said I was going to bed, so that my family doesn’t come into my room and I just listened to this one sad song for hours, thinking about how much life sucks. Then my dad decided to call me, probably drunk (cause I don’t see how he would call me in the late evening otherwise) and he said all those things that I was afraid he was going to say and that pretty much summed up my shitty night. I don’t know if he did the right thing, since he can’t apologize to me personally and I’m gonna remember that for a long time, it was pretty bad. Anyway, that’s not important. What I meant to say was that from bad it got worse and in the end I just couldn’t help it, but cry a bit, just to let the tension out…nothing too serious, but yeah…
That night I realized A LOT of things about myself and the people around me, also how I see my friends and family. I’m full of secrets, someone always has something to say to me. But for a change, I have my own secrets, too. So I had to think everything through and I couldn’t do it in one night. One thing that I’ve noticed, though, I’m getting better and better at keeping the secrets in question. Not mine (unfortunately), but in general. It’s like a soap opera here. Someone likes someone and they’re not sure if they like them back or not…then friend drama and broken promises, loneliness and desperation. I have it all here in my bag, my friend. And it’s difficult to keep track of everything, but I like the fact that people trust me, it makes me feel like I’ve finally done something good with myself – I can be a good friend.
Then I realized that there’s absolutely no point in liking my crush as anything more than just a friend. Mainly, cause there’s no way in hell that we can be together, but also because I’d rather having him as a friend, cause it never really works out for a year. And he doesn’t like me that way, either, so now I’m trying to get him out of my head. Let him go. It’s easier said than done, but I have to do it. I want us to keep talking and I want us to be friends. If I could get him outta my mind, he could potentially be one of the coolest guy friends I have. But above all, I hope he’s happy. Cause it’s gonna take a while for me, but nothing is impossible, I suppose. So yeah…if anyone asks me “Do you like someone”, I now know that the answer would be “no”, even though that’s still not entirely true.
Anyway, Tuesday was a shit day, as a continuation of my bad Monday night. Nothing interesting happened, it was kind of hard to breathe and my whole body was aching with sadness…or whatever you call it, I just wasn’t happy. Every time I laughed, I felt guilty for doing it and it was so fake that all I could hear in my head was “you stupid bitch. Why do you do this to yourself?!” And it’s a good question, but I don’t know the answer. I kept on listening to that one sad song and I just wished that I get better soon, cause I hate seeing myself unhappy…especially because of a boy (I’m not sure it was his fault, but it’s a fact that I thought a lot about it). Then in the afternoon, Noora came to my place to hang out and solve math problems. So we did it. That’s probably gonna be the highlight of the week. But at least it was fun and I talked to her sincerely about everything, as she did with me. She’s a great girl! I like her very much.
And by the way, yesterday was the official “hug an exchange student” day and ironically, I needed a hug. More ironically I got no more than 10 hugs for the whole day, despite wearing the stupid “Hug me! Cause why the hell not?!” sign on my chest all day long. Fuck that shit. I really needed a hug. But it’s ok, I guess it wasn’t that bad! 🙂 After all, Noora came home! And we had fun. Period. So, during the night I decided that there’s no point in me being miserable and I’m gonna get over myself and be happy again.
Again – easier said than done, when you mind the fact that I think about him every 2-nd minute and I just feel sorry for myself, BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. I found myself things to do and people to talk to about random stuff and it was better…I think. And the next morning (which would be today) I overslept big time. I woke up at 10.15 am and I was supposed to be in class at 8:15. I should have listened to Rasse, when he told me I should go to bed earlier.
In history class all I did was talk to Nelli and write notes about “How I met your mother”, which means that it wasn’t all that bad, cause both Nelli and the tv series are great. Then I had German and that shit was boring as hell, 75 minutes of tragedy, but then magically it ended and I went downstairs with yet another song in my head (of course), the “neudobni vuprosi” one and just for the fuck of it, I was singing “Fuck my life, this blows, I hate myself, please kill me” out loud, in bulgarian and in a dance melody, so everyone were like “Awyeaah, let’s dance, this is awesome!”. Ah, the irony of language barrier. I found it amusing… Then I spent like 10 minutes talking to Henkka about who he would like me to hook him up with and yeah…
Then I went home and wrote this.