This is not a rant.
More like a dream.
I want to live in an episode of “Friends” or “How I met your mother”! Cause it would be cool. If I was in Bulgaria, I wouldn’t give a fuck about who wants to be my friend. I would be forever alone and loving every second of it. Now things are different, since I like the people here a lot and I actually care about them (I know, how did this happen?), but still…nothing really depends on me.
Nobody will ever care about me the way Chandler cares about Joey or Marshall about Barney. My friends will never be in one place at the same time. We would never have a slap contest together or be close enough to insult each other with clever jokes without worrying how the other one might feel. We would never hang out every day at a bar for no reason whatsoever and we would never spend years and years together, loving each other like there’s no tomorrow.
I’m jealous of the characters in those series. They have 99 problems, but friends is not one of them. No matter how badly one fucks up, they always get him back, they never give up on him and they’re always together. In everything. I like that. I want my friends to be like that. I want to be able to ring to someone at 2 am and say “Dude, let’s go get drunk and steal some car registration numbers, right this second” and they would be like “That’s the worst idea you’ve had in a while. Your place. 15 minutes.”. And I want to be convinced that one IS my friend, it has to be mutual. I want to know that the person in question would do the same crazy shit as I would do for them. And I want them not to be sick of me, of my ways, of my personality and compulsive obsessive disorder.
I have this big fear of being abandoned and neglected. I think that the people I care about will wake up one day and think “I hate this bitch. I don’t ever want to see her again.” And since I often hide my emotions with layering sarcasm, jokes, narcissism and inadequate way of handling things, I would first say “I don’t need you anyway. I’ve never liked you.” And then I would cry myself to sleep for the next 6 months. You wouldn’t even know.
I don’t want 200 friends. I want as many as I am fond of, but they would be my world. I can really go a long way for friends. Often screwing myself over. But I don’t care. Not many people have gotten my complete attention. You have to be amazing to be a friend that I care about. There are friends and then there are FRIENDS. Like in the series. I have both of those, but my FRIENDS are very random. I don’t even know if they feel the same way. Probably not. Why can’t we all just bake a cake made out of rainbows and be happy in our little bubble of nice thoughts?
Why can’t I have this booth that’s always full of people I can pour my heart out to? Why can’t I live in a tv show? Why does life have to suck so much? Why, after all this time, after I have finally found some people, who I truly find amazing, they have to stay here and I have to be forced to go home? To the nothingness…? Where nobody likes my taste in music, my choice of movies or my jokes or my personality and appearance in general?
And also, why can’t I have a Barney or a Joey (or why not both) in my life? Come on, this is really starting to be frustrating! 😦