But that’s what I do when I’m bored, okay?
And now, I’m doing it, cause I’m waiting for my movie to finish downloading and I have some pretty existential stuff in my mind, so shall we?
I mean…I’m always sentimental and deep-thought-ed and stuff, but I keep it to myself for the most part. And today I talked to a shit load of people, almost all of which said they had read my blog and this one girl even said that it’s her new favorite pass-the-time work. How lovely. Then it hit me – the more people read this, the more I should be careful with what I share with you guys. And then…everyone thinks I’m this special person, and I have a lot attached to myself, but really…? No. At least I don’t think so. When I compare myself to Tarantino or Halford, I’m nothing. I’m just a person, who likes to blog. But the whole concept of myself is what I’ve been trying to figure out lately. Since Finland was supposed to be about that – finding myself and my purpose and deciding what the hell do I want to do with my life…
It’s all going nowhere. I’m the same person with just a few drops more experience. It’s scary that I don’t know anything about myself, even though I’ve been living in this body and with these thoughts since forever. Do we ever get to really know ourselves? Or the others? I don’t have a best friend, who knows me completely (sorry, Yani, even you lack that specific trace), simply because there’s nothing to know. All I am is a collection of memories. Literally…and some DNA.
Yet sometimes I have days, where I feel utterly important and awesome and nothing can bring me down and you should all bow to me and worship everything that’s connected to me, but I also have days, when I feel like I’m worthless piece of crap and I don’t deserve to be on this planet with all those people, cause all I ever do is cause trouble and make people sick of me and I’m not a good friend at all and I should just die, cause my existence is in the way of what’s happening with everyone else.
After my tiny brain did some thinking, I came to the conclusion that we shouldn’t bother over small things such as puberty or high school. You know what happened to me today? I got to hear my grandma on the phone. You know what she did? She cried. And that’s something extremely sad (to me at least) and extremely humanly. She hasn’t heard my voice in over 3 months and I’m so close with her, it’s ridiculous how much I love her, so naturally, I was sad, too. She told me that she has my picture on the stand besides her bed and she talks to me every morning and night and sometimes even during lunch. She told me she imagines me replying back with something funny and that’s what keeps her days going without any major catastrophes like her breaking down and giving up on life. You know what? I am loved. Maybe I didn’t need to know all those things, cause now I’ll be thinking of her more than I should, but that’s way bigger than me.
See, what I’m talking about is that feeling you get, when you can’t live without someone? I don’t have that. I’m independent enough to be away from my mother and superficial enough not to be bothered by the past. And even though I do get this huge sentimental wave of feelings every once in a while, it’s not as bad, I think. Yes, I get this ball of…emotions, stuck in my throat, not letting me speak, yes I’m way too clingy at times and I look at pictures and feel nostalgic over the situation and yes, I desperately try to turn back the time, with one hour or 2 days or 3 years backwards, just so I could get back to a point, where I was truly happy. But I don’t have a person that rules over my life. And I shouldn’t. It’s a bad thing…even being in love. It means you’re not free. You’re bound by some sort of spell, your mental health depends on how your loved one is doing. No, thanks. These are stuff so deep that I can’t even explain myself.
Like my friends always ask me “Why haven’t you ever been in love?”. Bitches, do you even know what love means? You cannot be in love at the age of 16. Yeah, you can have this really strong affection, which I have had before, but love? Really? Saying “I love you” after the first few weeks of being together with someone isn’t really my idea of the term. I have a big heart. I know I do. This much I have learned about myself. But make no mistake, I will guard it with my life. The person, who shall get it will either be a cat (highly likely, considering the fact that I’m planning on ending up as an old cat lady) or he will be the person I’m going to marry. As for different types of love, my “friend” love is not earned easily either, but oddly enough if you’re one of those lucky ones to get it, you don’t have to even try. From the very first time I see a friend, I can say which one is going to be special. I’ve made no mistakes so far. Let’s see… And parental love…my mom is like…everything. She’s the biggest, baddest bitch in the whole wide world and she’s MINE. And she’s awesome and no, you can’t have her. And I do love her with all my heart, unlike most people feel about their mothers. As for my dad – that’s another topic that we shall not discuss at this particular moment.
And once again, I’ve made a shit load of writings, so…excuse me, while I go watch my movie and think about what else I could have included in this post.
//Stef – k, bye.
EDIT: That’s some pretty good arguments right there! Thanks Tünde!:
Once you say that you have a lot of secrets, and you always keep them to yourself, than you say you can’t keep your mouth shut . You feel like you don’t have real friends, but at the same time, you’re surrounded by awesome people who you think about as your friends. Sometimes you feel worthless, but the next day you’re awesome too. Sometimes you’re kind, understanding and tolerating, but in the next moment you’re inclined to be rude (no offense). You say you have nobody in Bulgaria, and you hate people there, but than you have Yani, your mum or someone else. Uncertain and confident, shy and free-spoken. Full with emotions, but also feel love just about some people. A lot of contradictions. Are these mixed feelings coming from your moving to Finland, or do they have a deeper source? And about the FRIENDS and HIMYM post: it’s definitely great to have close friends, but nobody experience the same things the same way as you do. Nobody understands the other completely, we’re kind of all alone. But it doesn’t mean we don’t have people around ourselves who care about us. Why would you think that the others find you annoying, or that you’re a bad friend/person? What can make you feel like this? (by the way, this was just my opinion, ignore it if you want to)
Well, the secrets thing is kinda weird, cause I have them, a lot of them are not mine and mine I just…tell without being specific. And people, who know what something is about immediately connect it to a happening and BAM, I’m uncovered. Cause I talk to much. But I see your point. And the Friends thing – I think they are my friends, but I’m not theirs…if that makes sense. It’s sad to feel like you’re an outsider, even though my worries are probably in vain. The mood swings are pretty often just like that…welcome to my life. And I’m always kind, understanding and tolerant towards people, who haven’t shown themselves to be complete and utter jackasses And yeah, I’m rude to them, cause I’m allergic to bullshit. As for Bulgaria, my mom’s not even there and Yani has always lived 350 km away from me, so it doesn’t matter if I talk to her from here or from Bulgaria, the density of the times we see each other doesn’t change.
I am full of emotions and yes, it’s just for some people. I can’t care for everyone, but if I start caring, it’s annoying to the point of people thinking I’m obsessive.
And since I have those mood swings, it’s normal to feel like my friends don’t like me from time to time. I just think they’re way too awesome for me.
And I have no idea where all this is coming from…really!
I make myself feel bad, because of stuff that happened at school that don’t even matter. Someone was tired and didn’t want to talk, or then something similar…a lot of things can make me tick, especially when I over analyze every single detail of how others behave…
But thanks for your comment, it made my jaw drop, you really noticed! Wow. Thanks.
П.С: Ето ви няколко рандъм снимки на част от приятелите ми (от петък). Защото…защо не? Така искам, така правя. Енджой: