So I woke up on time…so far, so good. The classes were boring…also nothing new. I can’t say that the day was entirely bad, cause I did laugh quite a lot in the beginning of it, but it wasn’t a killer.
I was having this weird feeling throughout the whole day…like I didn’t care about anything or anyone, but at the same time I care a lot. Can’t explain it properly. I didn’t care if someone is hurt, but I cared about how they are. WTF. Just like this:
No sense whatsoever. I got hurt by words that shouldn’t have been intended for me to take as anything more than a joke, and yet, it wasn’t cool. And once again, I felt the “foreigner” in me…that specific feeling of non-belonging and misunderstanding was there. I was jealous of NATIVE speakers for being so good at speaking Finnish. I want to know it and I want to speak it without being made fun of. I want to understand, I really fucking do. Next time someone says “why don’t you speak Finnish?”, he’ll get a slap, cause I don’t find it funny or amusing, or anything of that sort, to remind me how much I suck at this language. And I really feel like I need it. Not necessarily for work, I just don’t want to feel this way. Even though I’m trying, it doesn’t seem to work and I’m bad at accepting it. I’m sick of being the outcast. Yes, I’m an exchange student, but that’s the last thing I want to be remembered as. And my inability to say 2 simple sentences in Finnish is killing me. I know the effort must come from me and I’m trying, but right now I just want to feel sorry for myself, cause I know I’m missing out on 70% of the good stuff…because I’m a dumbass. And there’s always gonna be someone to remind me of it…many times a day.
And somehow, today everyone touched my sensitive topics without even knowing it. I was offended at least 4 times by friends and I just laughed it off. Cause they don’t know I don’t find it funny..I’m a fun person, I usually find everything funny! And by the way, I would like to repeat myself again – even though I’m boy-ish in the sense that I laugh at sexist jokes, I am a girl and I think like one, I try to act like one and I want the same things normal girls want. Nobody seems to believe me.
So, today I went to the dancing hall with the complete and utter intention to dance. I stayed 105 minutes in Tapiola with Joel and Henkka after my school ended, just so I could dance…and I did everything as usual. Took my coat off, the shoes, went down, talked with everyone and once everyone started pairing, I decided that I’m pissed off enough for having to stand some random shy guy for 40 minutes, pretending to be happy and smiley, when all I want to do is rip heads off (and possibly blog). I stormed out of the premise only to see that I have forgotten my bag back inside, but I was too embarrassed to go and take it in the beginning of the class (since everyone would have seen me), so I stayed half an hour spying on the dances behind the fence, like a complete idiot. That didn’t make me feel better about myself, nor did it ease my frustration with how others see me… It opened doors to new heights of weird feelings and mixed emotions. I wanted to dance, but…it was just not working out for me today. Sorry.
I went to Helsinki and then back to Espoo/Matinkylä and I had a Finnish lesson…with a RUSSIAN teacher. Once she heard I was from Bulgaria, she did not stop trying to explain words to me in Russian… HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY AND REPEAT THAT I HAVE NEVER, NOR WILL I EVER, SPEAK RUSSIAN???? I understood nothing of her attempts, naturally, since I’m not Russian… Christ, when will they learn???
But yeah, then I went home and ate my heart out, which is also something I’m not very proud of.
//Stef – meh.