Thrown in the game again.

Hey there!

So these two days were cool

But that’s not really what I would like to talk about…I mean…it is, partly, but not exactly. I was with Karen and Rasse yesterday for 2 hours after school and we were talking about many things. Karen’s crush (of course, haha), Rasse, future, problems and self-image and evaluation. That last part caught my attention immediately and I listened with great interest to what miss Ehrstedt had to say.

So, after a long consideration, I started evaluating myself. If you don’t find it interesting, you can stop reading right about now. I haven’t taken the time to look in myself for a really long time, but now that I did…I’m a bit confused. I would like to get more out of myself and do creative things with my abilities, but being on the internet is so nice… Anyway, I’m funny, but not funny enough. I want to make people laugh more…and if it could be because of my sense of humor and not my clumsiness or appearance, I’d like that. I want to be special and I want people to like me for who I am (which is a really big mess.) I like being loud and annoying, it’s my thing and I take on my duties with responsibility. I like laughing and being easily amused, if  people don’t mind it, I’d like to keep that. There aren’t really many things about my character that I would change…I just want to know more stuff about more things, so when I get into a verbal fight, I could win everything and defend my awesomeness status.

Appearance wise, I’d change almost everything basically…my skin, hair, weight, pose, structure… But I’m kind of content with all my flaws and if not embracing them, I’ve learned to deal with them. I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, but I’m not that bad, I have potential. 😀 And that’s what’s important. Always being positive about the crap you see in the mirror!

I’m a good girl, always thinking about the others and how they would feel. I’m also very egocentric, though…I like talking about myself and that’s why I have a blog. Not everyone can stand listening to this bullshit 24/7 and frankly, nobody gives a damn, so this is the place where I feel safe and I devote my time and effort into blogging, because I like the way it makes me feel, when I put stuff and thoughts somewhere, where other people can see and judge me. Not necessarily in a bad way, but just mainly see what kind of a person I am. Blogging is half of my life, I love it so much… I often get questions “How do you find the time? How can you come up with so much text?” … it’s really not hard, when it’s something you enjoy doing. Like Jamppa plays the piano, Emma goes boxing, Salla likes crafts, Joel watches movies, Rasse and Jazz play football…I blog. It’s my thing. I don’t understand why it can’t be accepted as a hobby. But anyway, I don’t care. I’ll just keep doing it.

Another thing about me is that I attach to the weirdest people ever. Never told any of them that I love them, but I do. And it doesn’t make sense. I try to rationalize it and it’s not happening. If something happens to one (or more) of the people I love, I better just drop dead… and I’m pissed at myself for acknowledging the situation, cause those are not my general beliefs. Usually I stand in first place and the others are just my “minions”. Not anymore, though. I just want to make them people happy and that’s what makes ME happy. I’m genuinely saying that, I’m a real caring person. And I think I would make a good life long friend also.

As for crushes and love and all that – everyone is giving me a hard time about being single, when I don’t really care that much. Yeah, I have my moments, when all I want to do is listen to sad ballads, build myself a fort and just escape from reality in there for hours. But them moments aren’t that much and once I find myself an occupation, I can live with them. I don’t wanna rush into anything that wouldn’t mean a lot to me. I want to have a big, consuming, heart-throbbing, hard crush on someone and if I have to wait to get it, I will wait. I’m sick of settling for “friends”, who might not even swim on the right side of the current. I owe it to myself and to the other person, to be completely honest about what’s going on and how I see things. If that makes me the “fix-up” fairy for the next thousand years, so be it. I’m patient. That doesn’t mean that I don’t notice boys…I do and I do it a lot. 😀 I even think I might start developing an interest in a certain individual of the opposite sex, but we’ll see where this goes.

And I’m also really fathoming upon how others see me. Am I annoying or irritating, or funny and cool or arrogant and over-confident, or smart and shameless… I do not know. And it’s tearing me apart. I’m a curious person, I want to know everything! I especially want to know what the people I spend every day with, think about me, but I wouldn’t ask anyone openly. Cause I don’t even take candy if not offered. Principals…

But enough about me. Thursday (today) has been a busy day. I think I’m getting sick, I don’t feel too good… but during the few minutes into which I managed to relax, this happened:

 

I can’t really explain this…it’s so retarded. 😀 But I think it’s fun…and I’m probably not taking it down, no matter how much Joel and Karen beg me to do so. 😀

Then I went to Noora’s place and did some serious math problems, since my test is tomorrow and I need a pass…I DESPERATELY want to pass this course!!! You don’t even know how bad I want to get a good (enough) grade, I’ll try my best…considering that today was the day, when I learned what the course was actually about…

But yes, I’m getting sick and I’m tired and my eyes are red, so I’ll just go to bed.

//Stef – goodbye, caterpillars!

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