Cynical?

For the fifth time this week…

People are using it as an insult, as if it’s super wrong to be cynical. 

First of all, I’m not a cynic. Second of all, is it just me, or is everyone talking to me about their love problems and then they blame me for expressing my personal opinion on the matter? What’s up with that? I’m not trying to bitch about anything, cause I enjoy communicating with friends, but seriously, what’s your problem? If you don’t want to know what I think, don’t talk to me… You all know that I don’t hate humanity. I just suspect some people of being inappropriate for others. I believe in science and I’m interested in it, but I don’t base my opinions entirely on it. And still, you are just being silly, telling me these ridiculous “facts” and apparently you know me better than I know myself. Some people twist my words into unrecognizable bullshit and that does not make me happy.

For example, just because I don’t believe in someone’s relationship working out, doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in love at all. Where did you get that one from? And why in the world, the love topic AGAIN? I swear, I haven’t talked this much about it, probably ever. People, I get it, you like someone really much. It’s either super tragic or super nice. Just…calm your tits. By saying that I don’t think a teen “fling” can last longer than 3 years, I’m not saying that you are/going to be a failure and I’m not aiming my opinions at you personally. Second of all, you can’t keep on “blaming me” for being single, that’s just ridiculous. I know no one is taking it seriously and yet a lot of people are wondering why am I not into anyone. Must be a cynic… *facepalms*. I don’t know how to react to such statements. Should I be offended for being judged so quickly or should I just laugh it off? Has the idea of me not telling you every single aspect of my life, ever crossed your mind? You make me doubt my humanity. OF COURSE I LIKE PEOPLE in more ways that just one. But tell me honestly, how many times had “the truth” worked out for you? Telling a person that you like them must be the hardest thing ever and 70% of the times you pluck up the courage and do it, you end up never talking to each other again. Does that make you truly happy? Do you think this is the only way of not being cynical? And does your mind feel more at ease, when you have a confirmation that your object of interest doesn’t find you that interesting at all? That’s some sick masochistic side of people that I will never understand. And I don’t think the person on the other hand has to be bad to not like you back.

I was in this position with Nikolai (my best guy friend for 3 years), we spent every day together, had every class together, watched movies together, talked about boys/girls together, went home together (almost neighbors), wrote homeworks together, laughed about the same stuff and liked the same things. He was a perfect friend. And I did like him a lot as more than a friend in the beginning, but he was chasing this other tail for some time, so I just dropped it. Few years later he tells me that he had “loved me” for 2 years now and he would be the happiest person in the world if I agree to be his girlfriend. And he told me that, while we were playing nintendo at his place…out of the blue. An immediate “let’s just be friends” followed and I never set foot into that apartment again, nor did I spoke to him again on topics deeper than “nice weather” and “what’s the answer to exercise 4?”. I wasn’t bad. I really liked the guy, he was my best friend and he had to ruin it all with one sentence. I was in 8-th grade, so I was still a kid and didn’t know how to react or respond, since I didn’t really like him in that way. And it sucked for him. And I know it and I feel bad for doing this to him, even though I’m sure he couldn’t have “loved” me. It’s still not cool.

So, tell me, people, why do you insist on getting your feelings hurt and why do you keep calling me cynical for trying to protect mine? I’m super, mega, giga, tera sensitive and I take into account literally everything that’s happening and you can make me want to cry my eyes out with just one careless word that you don’t even know you said. Your gestures may tell me that you’re repulsed by me, even though you say you like me. Your expressions may be a “joke”, but there’s a little bit of truth in everything. Learned from experience. And even though I’m a humorous person and I laugh and joke A LOT, under all this happiness, there’s a scared girl, not a cynic. Telling someone how I really feel about topics that are close to my heart is always going to be difficult for me, despite everything people say. I have to be forced to do it and even then I may “twist” the truth. I seem like I tell a lot of stuff and I talk a lot, but if you really look carefully into the things I say, you’ll see that they don’t reveal anything and they’re often meaningless and even boring. Story of my life.

And my blog is probably the only place, where I can lay all those stuff down, without being afraid. I know that this probably looks like a cry-baby manifest by now, but you just have to deal with it. This place is my whole mind journal. Leaving little signs and tracks for myself in every post, so I always know what the fuck I was on about years back…I love YOU, blog. And I love my friends. And my mom. And myself to some extent. I’m not as hopeless as you think. I’m just in a moment of waiting. It will be over eventually, but I wouldn’t have to think so much about it, if people wouldn’t comment too much on my believes. It is what it is, that’s who I am and I’m not changing just for you. Take it or leave it. If you have something to add or ask, or correct, do it. If not, have a nice day! 🙂

//Stef – phew…

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