Desperation Day! :D

Me and half of the females/males in Etis are single…

And it’s Valentine’s day tomorrow.

I got so depressed about it today, while cutting hearts for decorations at school…and then I talked to Karen for 3 hours straight about…sex and guys mostly, haha! And some other mindblowing stuff, but that’s another topic. So we got to the conclusion that we’re desperate (I still don’t say that about me, though) and we want boyfriends and we’re pretty bummed about not having ones (again) on Valentine’s day and it was just awful. And then we both did stupid things afterwards and we’ll see how that will work out tomorrow, but yeah…

I realized that the reason why I’m single isn’t because I’m fat (cause I’m still pretty okay), it’s because I’m completely and utterly friendzoned by every guy I’ve ever liked. Not that I like a lot of guys, but the ones I do have always thought of me as a friend. But…I like being friends with guys. I REALLY like them. Hence I didn’t really understand Joel’s comment “do you talk as much with some girls online as with me?”, with point being that I hang out with guys too much and they make me their friend instinctively. Maybe it’s true, but I don’t usually like my friends, so once we’re friends, that’s it. So it’s not really a problem. Because guy friends are precious, they’re like the best of the best. You could watch Simpsons with them all day long and the only one whining about how much chips we’ve eaten would be me. Bliss. I want to move in and live with a guy, when I go to college. But my point was that it’s not worth to loose a guy friend over a stupid thing as a crush, cause if it doesn’t work out, it’s pretty awkward afterwards and most friendships end in a catastrophe. Of course, if you’ve know each other for many years and you know the other would be fine with you liking them for a period of time, then it’s cool. But not in high school. So yeah, I usually go for non-friends, when it comes to dating. And obviously, even if I’d go for the guys from the gang, it would be pointless, since apparently I’m a “dude” to them. Which I don’t like! I like being a “bro” and a friend and someone, who they can talk freely to, cause even though I have my own opinions about stuff, I don’t tend to judge people that much. I’m interested in their affairs and their thoughts and everything about them, really! But getting the right to be close with them seems to be costing me my “ladyship”. I honestly feel like them lads could start a legit fight with me and think that I’m a good opponent.

WHAT THE HELL??? I’m a girl and I like being a girl, as well as treated as such. Jamppa is probably the only one who realizes that and he hugs me a lot and he’s just so nice and sweet and he just looks like a fluffy kitty and I know that if I feel bad I can go to him and he’ll immediately make me feel better by giving me a nice hug. I like hugs. And we’re both just friends. He’s taken by one of the most awesomest girls ever and I would never, in a million years think of him as anything other than a brother/friend. And he still treats me like a girl. I’m gonna miss that SO MUCH about him, when I go back to Bulgaria. And the rest of the guys are just like “walk it off”, if there’s something wrong, but at the same time they’re super nice to the rest of the girls. I don’t get what’s so different about me. I always seem to carry it with me and why can’t I just be a girl is outside of my area of expertise. I think about boys, makeup, dresses, body image, female tv shows, clothes…I’m actually really girly. SO WHY AM I A “DUDE”? Lawd, give me the answer…

But yeah, the point was that I’m single once again, on Valentine’s day and I want a boyfriend, but I can’t have one, cause of 3 reasons: 1-st, I want a relationship that would actually mean something and I can’t have that, cause I’m moving between countries a lot, 2-nd – I’m not into anyone currently and 3-rd – how could I be, when I’m constantly hanging out with my batch of friends and all the other good looking guys are either assholes or taken?! The unfortunate life of Stefani Kirilova…welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Forever A) alone B) Friendzoned.

So I got super depressed and Joel kept on sending me these romantic couples songs that just made matters worse and I felt like just “screwing it all” and skip February 14-th, cause the only thing I’m gonna do then is eat chocolate and regret my faith and flirting skills that apparently don’t run in the family. Fml.

But then the good mood came again, because when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story. I realized that I am a really good girl and I’m smart and I’m funny and I’m not all that bad looking and I have a great sense of humor, I have a high tolerance of video gaming, I know all of 9gag, I don’t mind making sandwiches for my boyfriend, I’m honest and I can talk openly with people, I’m considerate and I notice things. I tend to care about people and I like to make nice surprises just so I could see the smile on someone’s face AND I know the bro code. So I’m pretty cool and awesome. And I wouldn’t be a bad girlfriend. So if someone hasn’t noticed me yet, it’s their loss. I’m with myself all the time, so it’s hard to sometimes see how great I am. 😀 Not all people appreciate me now, but they will when I’m gone and it’s okay, cause I’ll come back. But until I find someone, who makes me happy with how they treat me and look at me, I don’t need a boyfriend to be happy.

And I hope this mood stays for the rest of the Valentine’s day, otherwise I’m fucked with all this chocolate in my bag…

//Stef – ‘night, lovers!

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