We already have the Levi one, but MEH.
I blog, whenever I feel like it and now I feel like it…again.
I don’t even know what this is going to be about. But this is my blog and I don’t really care if you find what I have to say as bullshit…or boring, or unnecessary or whatever. And I can tell you this much – bitches love posts about feelings. And this one is probably gonna be one…cause I’m a softie and thinking on the keyboard relaxes me. Yes.
So, I know that I shouldn’t have said that thing about my first night in Levi, because you never know who might read this and blabla, I’ve had so many advises from YFU about how I should run my blog and who I might hurt, but honestly, I haven’t listened to any of them and I’m not gonna start now. Cause above all, this is MY diary as a person, it’s not an exchange blog. I’ve had this long before coming to Finland and I’m gonna have it long after. Exchanging just happens to be a part of my life, so I don’t see why I should corrupt my thoughts, just so I am “politically and diplomatically correct” for one year?! I’ll say whatever I want. And if I have something against someone, they don’t need to read my blog to know that. I try to be a straight-forwarded person and I say what I think on the spot. Your story ending up in here is a chance you’re taking by communicating with me. Besides, I’m almost never rude to people, except for Gergana, but even she knows that it’s all love. And I do keep a lot of things to myself as well, so I think I manage my blog quite well. And thank you for reading.
But yeah, regarding that night in Levi, I want to say that I don’t see myself as a person who cries often, probably even at all, but recently I’ve noticed a pattern (certain themed movies or events can pull my trigger) and I’ve had one or two nightmares, which is very unusual for me. I’m not saying it’s bad, cause we all need to get a better grip on reality, but it’s definitely different than what I’m used to. I also feel like I’m over-exposing my thoughts to other people too much and it feels annoying sometimes. I have strong opinions, even though they’re not conservative, they’re not on everyone’s taste and I argue for no reason at all, but that has always been me…I remember Cvetelina (Brain) telling me when I was 13, that I’m just a little naive girl, who has no clue of the world and I don’t even have beliefs. She was wrong though, we both had not that big childhood and we were forced to grow up fast and she knows that I’ve always been like that. I was talking to my 9 year old friends about politics and love years ago. I’ve always had believes. Never a clue about life, but seriously, who does?
Anyway, my point was that I haven’t changed so much during the last…say 5 years, I’ve just added a random fact here and there. I’ve read my mom’s psychology thesis and 3 books about body language, that’s pretty much it for my understanding of the world. But I remember that I once said here that I don’t feel any change in me during those last few months. Well now I do. I’m interested to see where this goes. I’ve become more emotional in a way. I’ve always had people to care about, but now it’s different. Don’t know if it’s the situation I’m in, or the people, or me, or the time, but I don’t feel powerless at all. I know that I could make someone happy if I want to and this time it would bring me a real inner satisfaction. As good as doing something for myself. And I’m also prepared to live with the good and the bad this year has to offer me. I do a lot of things to make other people happy and I miss a lot of things that I would like to do, because of various reasons, but I really try to be everywhere. I try to be happy and I believe it’s working. I’m getting A LOT of new experiences, I see how other people live and I’m learning meanwhile. I don’t want to sound cocky, but I think I’m always going to be wiser than my old classmates for choosing to leave the country for a year in this way. I have a fair knowledge of another foreign language, culture, I learned responsibility and independence, self-control, I’m seeing some wide open space, gaining experience EVERY single day, whereas they don’t do anything valuable with their lives and I know for a fact that they’re gonna keep doing this throughout their whole existence. I’m proud of myself for standing out from the crowd, cause I was born just like them, same time, same social status, same starting ground…but now I’ve gotten a hold of my own life. But that doesn’t mean that I think low of them. I should state this here, cause I feel like I give the wrong impression. They’re my equals and they’re a part of my home and roots and I would wish them all the best, but all in all they’re people I wouldn’t hang out with…ever. Cause we’re different.
So now I kinda understand why I don’t have many friends from Bulgaria. I’m not looking for them, I don’t feel the need to care about anyone (or should I say “didn’t”). My mom has always been a friend of mine, no matter how hard she still tries to be only a mom, she’s too cool for that, so why would I need other people, when I already have someone, who I can talk to? (her, Geri and Yani). But anyway, now when I go back I’ll try to go out with people more and more, cause I know there are some amazing personalities to be found.
And I got no clue where my life is going…a year for me is a distant future. I have the potential of reaching the stars, I have the energy, I’m young and ambitious, if I could just channel that determination of mine into something specific…if I could just force myself to think about what’s gonna happen, I’d be okay. But I’m also kinda chilled about all of this. Cause I know that I’m gonna be alright. I’m gonna make a decent amount of money, I’ll have a comfortable life, a lot of clothes, dates, material things that make me happy and all that. Cause it’s what I want and there’s nothing man can’t accomplish if he really wants it, I don’t believe that you can just settle with what you have. You can have everything, you just have to ask for it (material wise). What I’m worried about are my early college years and working while studying. I know I’ll have to do everything on my own, with no one’s help, cause in a foreign land you’re on your own. I’ll do it, though…just have to think how. And then I also have to think about WHEN I want to take my future ragdoll cat, cause one there will be, but I don’t know when would be the right time (lol at my fundamental problem). And the time to think about accommodation and work and studies is ALMOST here…or should I say the deadlines are here. I’m worried that I can’t decide. Fuck…
But it’s getting kinda late and Simon & Garfunkel’s tape just ended, so I’ll go to sleep, it wouldn’t be a bad idea! 😀
//Stef – I feel nice…weirdly nice. 😀 Good night world!