for probably no reason.


So, the day was really good.

It really was. I had fun. I went out with Jazz, had a freaking awesome conversation, talked to people, got stuff done. But now I’m kind of in a bad mood. It’s late in the night (well, before 12, but still late for a Monday) and I’m thinking about friends (again).

I know I’m important to them now, they’ve made it clear many times and I REALLY appreciate it, cause their approval is basically everything I’ve ever wanted, which is ridiculous, but I’m a social animal, I like making my friends happy and I like to feel appreciated. And today when Jazz told me about her idea of making an album of pictures of them with me and getting everyone to write something personal to me in it and send it to me at some point next year, I imagined my face and something went into both of my eyes all of a sudden, which says a lot about how much I love these fuckers. That would be one of the happiest moments of my life (beaten only by the moment, when I’ll see them all together again after a year of waiting). Seriously.

After spending 5 hours talking to Gergana yesterday, and her expressing her worry that dem Finnish bastards are gonna take me all for them, I realized that they don’t need to take me, cause as long as they want me, I’ll always be aiming to be with them. Anyway…

Today I realized that everyone has a person they can turn to, when they need to talk about something. Though, I can turn to at least 4 people and talk to them about ANYTHING, I don’t do it. I guess I’m missing a best friend. Of course, I tell a shit load of stuff to someone, but not being important kind of puts me off. I’m important, but I feel like it’s not in the way they are important to me. In a supper immense way. Cause if we think about it logically, I’m single and without a crush, so basically everything I can think about is how to be a good friend. And then all of a sudden I feel like I’m in a sea full of people I appreciate, but I can’t dissolve and I’m pretty much my own best friend. Cause no one else is alone and they’ve paired up and I’m just derping around all the time.

Of course, I have Gergana and Yani, but they’re so far away and I haven’t talked to them in so long that I don’t know anymore…I mean, I can talk with hours with them and still not say anything. So the conversations I enjoy the most are with my Finnish friends and with 3 or 4 of them in particular and I always feel like I’m outside of everything in a way 😀 And though I have friends, I don’t have a bestie that I can hang out with aside from what everyone else is doing together. I should either find one of those orrrr find myself more stuff to do, cause I think it’s bothering me.

But yeah, no more of that for today

//Stef – night


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