Bugs in the system?


I’m writing this as I’m waiting for my ride to Helsinki and from there to Lapland…so no updates for a weak! Just so you know…

But the topic – bugs in the system. I’m sure almost every person has them. And especially girls. Since confidence has somehow been the topic of the week, popping in and out in many conversations with many different people…Now, I’m talking on my behalf here, but I’m sure many people can relate to this.

Is it hard to be confident? – Yes! You have to get up every day with a smile on your face, thinking that you’re good enough for someone/something, when really, you think there’s no one worse than you in that certain department. Society has done it’s damage on us. You don’t have to be very special to have self-esteem issues. In our time, almost everyone has them. Somehow, in some way, others make you think “what if they don’t like me?”, it drives you mad to think about how others view you and you try to put yourself in the best light possible. When they’re talking about things you have no idea of, you feel stupid and isolated and you immediately start to think less of yourself. We compare ourselves with the others all the time! Clear skin, weight, hair, brains, culture, face, expression, posture, everything. And when you’re not anything like the person you would like to be, you bury yourself in self-destructive thoughts.

I’m not confident. Not as much as I would like to. I keep thinking every day what I could change about myself, do I really need that piece of chocolate, can I go to school without make up today, can I answer to that in Finnish without sounding like an idiot, can I admit that I’ve never heard that song/watched that movie. But I hide most of it. In front of people, I try to keep my head up, smile, joke (cause I love to), be natural and give myself in to the moment. But there are so many wrong things with me…I’m gonna talk about my insecurities for a while, cause I know that some people need to see this and realize that they’re not the only ones and there’s nothing to worry about!

Okay. Weight. It’s been a worry of mine pretty much since I started school, if not from before that. I’ve always been called chubby, my family would always pinch my cheeks and say that I’ve been eating well. In school, the kids would call me a meatball, I was the fattest girl in my class for more than 7 years and I always think what life would be like if I were thin. I reached my lowest point at a certain time, thinking that fat people are worthless and I’m one of them. I started watching what I eat and I kept on getting less and less food until I just ate an apple a day or nothing at all and everything else was considered as a binge. I started loosing weight super fast. A kilogram a day on a good day. I felt good, like I’m not worthless anymore. People started to notice it after the second month and they were worried after the third. I would scream at my mom for bringing sugar products into the house or cooking something tasty. Whenever I felt like I can’t take it anymore, I just kept on drinking liters upon liters of water and green tea to make the hunger go away. I wanted to be perfect. And my schoolmates were telling me how good I look and they were asking me why I couldn’t have done this earlier and I was proud of myself back then. Then school trips came along and I couldn’t keep with my “diet”, cause teachers were forcing me to eat, threatening to call a doctor if I don’t finish my portion, but I knew the entire time that I didn’t need saving. I wasn’t sick, I could have easily snapped out of it if I wanted to. And the sickest part was that I liked my fat rolls. I’ve never liked super skinny girls, but I just didn’t want my body to be different that everyone else’s. Cause boys like skinny girls. And even though I think curves are sexy, I knew I was the only one. Anyway, after a point, I gave up chasing that dream, cause I’ve always been chubby. I gained all the weight back (naturally) and now I’m right where I used to stand before (same kilograms). And I’m not entirely okay with it, but I do think it’s better than doing what I did to myself again. I love food, I just wish I could let myself be for a second there, cause others stopped giving me shit about it long time ago. The “will you ever stop eating” and “you’re eating again? what a surprise…” comments have been dead for years. But then again, cruel kids tell the truth…

Then languages. Even though I’m not bad at learning languages, speaking in front of native speakers for me is a HUGE confidence ruiner. Especially Finnish. Cause I have a sick obsession of being perfect. Cause perfection is beautiful and I want to be beautiful and I want to make others smile, when they hear me talk in their native language, but I KNOW that I’m not there yet and the feeling I get, when I try to speak is awful. My heart is pounding, I’m sweating and I just really don’t have the confidence to do it. It’s a thing I care about and I know people know it, so it’s still a problem. I know I should speak, I’m not stupid or retarded, but I’m not on that level yet. I know it sucks, but as I’ve said before – confidence can be a bitch.

Feminism – not the type of thinking, but feeling like a woman. I know I’m a female individual, but I’m not confident as one. I’ve been called a boy too many times. I have boobs and hips, voice and hands, face and structure of a woman, I got the whole package. But I feel like no one really sees that and I’m too afraid to show it (embrace it). The clothes I wear don’t really flatter my figure that much, cause I’m scared I’d be called a slut if I wear something more “presentable”. I just feel like I’ve never been seen as a female and I’m fucking proud of being one. So it also kills my confidence in a way. I’m insecure about it. And I shouldn’t. I should fricking rock dresses and skirts and girly necklaces and high heels. Just saying…

So as you can see, I’m an average person with an average confidence level and yet, there ARE things I’m insecure about. In the end, we should all come to the same conclusion – all of this is bullshit, we’re perfect and tomorrow is going to be great. Keep telling yourself that! Let’s hope confidence will strike upon us unexpectedly soon. 😀

Until then, please, have faith in yourself and hold your head up high. For what it’s worth – I think you’re great! 🙂

//Stef – have a great week, everyone! 


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