90% of you have never met me in real life.
Other 9% of you know who I am and you’ve seen me, but that’s about it. The other 1% are my friends and family. But still it seems distant for me.
I talk a lot. I never freaking shut up. But what do I talk about, have you ever noticed? To some extent myself, then about the people I care about, food, Finland, weather, popular culture references and general knowledge things. Though I’m not trying to hide myself or any part of me, it really seems to me sometimes that I don’t let people know me. I think that’s the deal with a lot of people. You communicate with everyone, you think you’re honest, that your opinions are completely objective, that deep talks are no problem for you, that you can tell a lot to certain people, but then you find yourself in a situation, where your tongue ties and you don’t know how to say what you really think.
Sometimes people ask me questions that are way too personal. I don’t talk about them with my mom, friends, random people or anyone. So when they ask, I feel kind of defenseless, like I’ve been hit with a wet towel and I’m expected to answer immediately. There are things I don’t want to talk about. I wouldn’t call them secrets, but…just aspects of me that are hidden. Rarely someone finds that there is more to me than I let people see. I don’t mean that I’m deep or anything, but there are sides of me that no one knows of, because I don’t talk about them. For once, I’d like to be completely honest and let someone know ALL of me, and I wouldn’t be able to do it. Cause I don’t know how. I’m afraid that if you find out, you wouldn’t like me anymore, that you wouldn’t want to communicate with me, that you’ll leave me. I have a fear of being left. I don’t want to admit my faults or share some parts of my personality to anyone, really. But I feel pressured.
I want to have friends for life. I want someone, who knows me inside and out. I want someone, who can understand why I’m doing something and I want someone, who won’t give up on me no matter what. But I can’t get that, because I’m not completely honest, I don’t give 100% of me, I don’t talk about most of the things that are important to me, though I can fool both myself and the other person that I’m giving out everything, but it’s not true. Now I feel like I have to choose someone to give everything to, otherwise I’m gonna end up alone. Cause I’m currently talking to one of my best friends in the whole world and I realize that I can’t tell her much, nothing is the same, nothing will ever be. We’re talking like we’ve been in a relationship and now it’s over and we’re calmly talking about what went wrong and it’s sad. I don’t want to bring things as they were, I have moved on. But I can’t say that I have a friend in her, cause this is not the case anymore. So what am I doing? Why didn’t I open myself all the way? Why? I realize that I’ve done that with pretty much everyone, I don’t have anyone to return to in Bulgaria. Relationships have changed, they’re no longer as tight, as good, as fun as they were. Now it’s almost an obligation to talk to them. It also feels bad, when I’m not referred to as a friend, but I can understand it. I didn’t take anyone seriously, I had my moments when I missed people, but they were momentary lapses of weakness.
Now everyone is gone and I can’t change that. I can’t say I’ve been friends with a person for this many years anymore. And I’m not gonna sit and cry about it, cause the truth is, it was my fault, I ended it long before my departure for Finland. I stopped talking about things that I don’t want to talk about, when I started thinking that people don’t care. Which they didn’t (in my defense), but they would have listened anyway. My only regret is that I didn’t see all of that earlier and it had to take 2 years of alienation, before it showed on the surface.
So that’s why I feel pressured. I don’t want to be alone. I want to keep my current friends. But in order for me to do that, I’d have to share everything and some things I’m not comfortable talking about. So, I have to choose who I want to keep. They need to know me, cause only then can they decide whether or not they want to be my friend. I promise to commit myself to actually trying withe these people. I don’t want to loose them, I love them. And knowing that I tend to screw people over, I’m afraid.
There’s this big lump in my throat every time I try to tell something personal and time stops right after I say it and the seconds that pass between me and the other person’s response seem like an eternity and it’s killing me and I think “this is it, it’s definitely over now. They can’t like me after this one”. And I care what they think so much, I want to stick around, but I want to be honest, too. I try to say whatever I think, regardless of whether or not the other person will like it, but living in fear that I’ll end up alone is just awful. Because being alone sucks. Missing that feeling that you can do anything for a person is like a punishment. Like they say in the songs, better feel pain than nothing at all. And it’s not, because I don’t have a boyfriend, I just really care about friends a lot. But now, when I leave, relationships are bound to shift once again. I won’t stay friends with everyone, I know that. But the two or three people I keep, I promise to be true to. As in, let them know the things I don’t want to talk about and hope that they will do the same. I think I was young(er) back in the day, so I didn’t know what was gonna happen, but now that it’s already a fact and I’m only left with Bulgarian “pals”, I can learn from this. I can change. I have to…
Really, now I’m just gonna go to sleep probably…
//Stef – good night!