Finally home. Finally able to say everything I want, though I don’t have time. I’m sorry, blog, for neglecting you so badly. I miss you.
I’ve been busy, I really have! The days have started to merge together and I can’t quite stand out all the things I’ve done, but for some reason something always keeps me away from the “new post” page on my blog… Just a few highlights worth mentioning: last Wednesday he had a floorball tournament organized by the student council of the school and my class won it. Free ice cream! Yay! On Sunday I went out with Paola and went to some sort of a Bulgarian club and it was weird, to be honest…not bad, just weird. So many Bulgarians in one place, playing games with the little children and teaching them the language. I realized it’s maybe not that easy for the kids. Maybe Bulgarian isn’t as easy as I thought. Cause those poor half-bulgarian toddlers speak Finnish, when they’re certain no one is watching. I personally think it sounds cute, but the point for them is to have two native languages and it’s barely working out. Or maybe it’s the teachers…
I was thinking that if I were to marry a foreigner and we had kids, I wouldn’t mind if they didn’t know Bulgarian. It’s no use for anything and it’s not like we’d be returning to live there. Of course one more language is never a bad thing, so I’d maybe try and teach them some words, but ultimately I don’t care. After the withdrawal symptoms I had in October, I haven’t had the need to speak the language and I forget simple words, discouraging me to speak at all… It’s amazing how my speech flows in English in my mind, so every time I want to speak in Bulgarian, I have to translate everything in my head and not every thought has an equivalent . No one but me gets the language jokes, too. What’s the point of a clever thought out joke, when no one will get it? As if I’m not weird enough already. Completely useless language to me and it sounds Russian, which bothers me, when mentioned. I’d much rather know Finnish that well, but I don’t say that aloud anymore, cause usually my friends just beat their chest like gorillas and say “yes, cause we – the Finns are super awesome”, which annoys me a bit. I’ve never said the contrary, but it feels like every time something like that is brought up, they diss Bulgaria. And though I don’t particularly like it that much, it’s my native country. People I love live there, I am one of them, I’m bound to return there in periods of time, no matter where I go. I’m in terms with that fact. It doesn’t feel good, when other nations say bad stuff about my patch of land. Only we are authorized to do that.
Also I feel like people expect me to rob the country. What…the…fuck. Getting aid, cause I’m officially a kid (well not in few days, but still), getting discounts and free health care as well as lunch and other privileges, when my parents aren’t Finnish and don’t pay taxes. As if it’s my fault. In YH class last week, the teacher told me I should tell the Bulgarians that if a Bulgarian dad comes to work in Finland, he’ll get 500 euros for each kid he has in Bulgaria. This made me tick a bit. Why would I do that? Why can’t the pure solemn goal of my being here be something simple like exploring the culture, or learning the language or finding an actual job? It pisses me off. And the shit about the Bulgarian gypsies occupying the Helsinki region is a lie (well, most of it anyway). On Sunday one of the Bulgarians (a translator) said she was being called to translate from Finnish to Bulgarian to some gypsies, who claimed to be from our lands and she came to the conclusion that not one of them is Bulgarian, since they couldn’t understand a word she was saying. All Romanian. Not that it matters, I’m sure there are some from BG as well, but that’s not the point. I’m not a gypsy, I don’t want to take money from anyone. I’m proud, even if I didn’t have money, I’d either starve or earn my fucking lunch. Putting labels on my nationality is not something I appreciate. But enough about that…
I’m tired. I’m not looking forward to anything. Each passing day means more things to pile up on my to-do-list. And my not going to the gym is not helping at all. I’ve been only two times since the start of the jakso (though I did walk the 6 km home from Tapiola today). I’m mostly doing it to just have something and satisfy other people’s needs and yeah, I know it’s healthy and all that, I appreciate it, but I don’t go there to get healthy. I go there because I have to. So naturally, I’ve postponed it, since other things have come up and as most people are really fond of sports, I find many other things I could do instead of running on a machine in a closed space with skinny bitches around me. But I don’t expect anyone to understand that. It’s just how I work. I know who I am, I’m trying to go against it, but this doesn’t mean my real inner emotion won’t guide me to postponing that particular event as much as possible.
I’ve read all of the Hunger Games books in less than a week. Cause I want to have something on my hands. And YH classes are boring. I can’t help, but feeling annoyed with the protagonist all the time, she’s trippin about bullshit. Yet somehow the people around her are really awesome and I’m really, really pissed, when they die. (one victor in particular…) Then of course, the crappy love story, when the point of the books is not about that at all…and no one deserves a whiny bitch like her, so I honestly feel bad for the two dumbasses, who are in love with her.Well…that’s behind me now. Though I’m probably gonna think about it for a few more days, since I usually get absorbed into what I’m doing at the moment. It takes me away from reality for a bit.
Not that reality is bad, but 29-th of June is knocking on my door and if I don’t distract myself, it will consume me, since I think about it so much anyway. And this day was awesome…another reason for me to want to stay, repeat, relive. Again – something that only I will understand. I can’t let you see the things from my point of view, since I don’t even know how I see them myself. I just know that I want another year to be granted for me, it makes me super unstable and it’s enough to crap up my mood completely. I don’t want to fucking go home. What would I do there, hang my feet in the air up and down? Of course, I’d be a bit more free and I’d be able to eat my mom’s DELICIOUS food, but that’s where the pros end. And one hectic year awaits me, too. Exams to pass 11-th grade in Bulgarian system, studying for matriculation exams and 12-th grade, studying for SAT’s and university entry exams as well as degree diploma in tourist hotel administration and special subjects from my school. That’s a SHIT LOAD of studying, which I’m sure I won’t do. So I have to choose what’s the most important thing to me. Which will probably be SAT’s, matriculation exams and university entry exams. But still….why….
I’m just gonna go to sleep, cause obviously my thoughts are not leading me to anywhere good.
//Stef – Fuck Katniss Everdeen.
P.S: a few pics just because…
(Girls night last Friday)