Again in the mood for blogging, so here I am.
I’m in a bittersweet mood, which is kinda good. Usually during the night I get kinda sad for different reasons, but not tonight. Tonight I’ll take the time to appreciate everything good that I have in my life. Not necessarily talk about everything, but I’m just saying that I’m sort of completed.
I have an awesome look on life. I’m so motivated and full of energy to chase my goals and I think that no matter how much shit life brings you, there are still the small things to make you happy and living is always wonderful. I can honestly say I’ve never thought about suicide, though I’ve had moments, when I haven’t been the happiest ever. I think there’s nothing that time can’t heal and music is the way to deal with a lot of problems. Now I’m listening to a song that I’ve never heard before and it gives me it’s energy and I get into it. It sounds stupid to explain how you see the lyrics to another person, but in that very particular moment I feel related to it and it inspires me in a way. I like it. So, back on the topic about life – I think I’m very dependent on affection. As long as someone cares about me, I’m happy. No one needs to actually say it, I know who does and how much…and it makes me care back, which is important to me.
One of the joys in life is taking the risk to give a damn about someone. What happens to them, are they sick, are they in a bad mood, share the happy moments, actually be glad for them. It’s a risk in the sense that you can easily be hurt if something happens to them or they turn out to be dumbasses and make all the wrong choices or they just don’t care back for you. But it’s so good to know that you have someone you’d fight for, do anything to help them, know that no matter what happens, you’ll be behind the person. You get to the point, when only a look is enough to know how the other one feels or what he thinks and seeing his reaction to an effort you’ve made is all you need to make your day. Get to a level, where the material or physical joys don’t matter and you’d stand next to the person no matter what condition he’s in. It’s love in a way…not necessarily the kind they sing about in the songs or tell about in the movies, but still strong. Having someone to die for is what makes life worth living. Their words are the ones that hurt the most, their gestures are the ones, that mean the most to you and talking to them is what never gets boring (even being silent). What makes me feel complete is the comforting thought that I care like that for some people and though I’ve never talked about this particular subject to them (since it popped up now), I know some of them care about me, too. And even if they didn’t, that wouldn’t stop me from wanting to be their friend. But they do…and they never say it, but they always show it, which is more important. As selfish as it sounds, it feels good to know that if I dropped dead right now, there would be someone, who’ll sincerely miss me…as I would miss people for years, as well.
And culture, language, nationality, gender…they don’t matter. I know most guys would disagree here with me, but I’m not a guy…and I think I need someone to love, cause otherwise I feel useless. The expression on my mom’s face, when she gets flowers from me, cause it’s a sunny Wednesday and the warmness reminded me of her = priceless! The reaction of a dear friend, receiving a hand-made gift or the simple words “I love you” to my dad or a sincere hug to someone, who needs it – those things make me happy. Being helpful to people, who have been there for me is important to me. Of course, there’s also the thing that not every person is important to me and I’ve said before that the list is weird and I don’t go and choose them from a catalog, but when the connection happens, I just accept it.
So yeah, I love and I am loved, what more can I want? The material things can be arranged with enough desire. So now, I try to get used to the thought – I have only 6 weeks with my Finnish friends, but I know things won’t change between us with the ones I already have a connection. I’m aware of the thought that I won’t keep everyone, but I’m okay with keeping the ones talking to me now. They’re people worth having in your life and I’m glad I know them and I plan on doing a post ’bout them again, when I go away, but for now I’ll just keep a low profile. So yeah, if things change at all with any of them, then things weren’t as strong as I thought them to be and alienation was bound to happen at one point anyway. But yeah, those bastards have creeped in my heart somehow. Then, I’m thinking about my Bulgarian friends. I’ll get to see Yani and Geri again…maybe even Maria. We’ve been together for years. I have so much to tell them, they have so much to tell me, so many smiles to exchange and beers to drink. Every bad thing has a good side and this is it. I’ll get to see my mom and dad again, my grandma…god, she must be missing me like crazy, with grandpa dying and her not being able to talk to me at all!
Naturally, it’s almost certain that I’ll start crying like a little bitch the moment, when I hug my Finnish friends for the last time, though it’s probably not really the last time we’ll see, but you know…long distance and time and shit…I’m sentimental and I get really attached, but I’ll also be so happy to see my real relatives and other pals once again. I don’t know what to thing of going back now. I don’t want to do it, but since it’s gonna happen anyway, I might as well just embrace it and deal with it somehow. So yeah…this is a post that’s supposed to help me do it. Do you think it’s working?
And happy 42-nd birthday to my Dad! Thanks for bringing me to this world, paps!
//Stef – Belarus lost, so it’s safe to say that Andrei Slav is rather cute. Go Suomi!