yeah…

Hey!

So living alone in this house really sucks.

Everything breaks, I have to all the time clean like there’s no tomorrow and I have to think of everything. I hate that. It’s not like I’m having wild parties in here, so my mom might as well be home, nothing would be different.

And my freaking parents fighting over bullshit is also pissing me off, cause they’re acting like little kids and in the end I’m the only one, who is suffering from this. Dear lord, may they never ever get back together, then I’d better just jump off from somewhere. How did they live up to be this old with this mindset or have they lost their minds all of a sudden? If I mention to my mom that my dad is doing something nice for me, she starts with the “Well, haven’t I been doing nice things for you, too, what does he think? That he can bribe you?” and vice versa with my dad and I’m sick of it.

They keep asking me the same annoying question “What’s happening with your exams?”. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. FOR THE 3456789-TH TIME, I DO NOT KNOW. What are you, people? Retarded? Or do you think I don’t care about my own education enough to know what’s going on with it? I’m literally sick of the thought of any of you two asking me that just 1 more time. I WILL TELL YOU, WHEN I KNOW. This question is like a “hello” for them. It makes me fucking angry.

And my mom always says “if there’s anything you want to talk about, just say it”, but no, woman. I will not. You know why? Cause every time I talk to you, I feel like I want to bang my head against a wall. You make me feel depressed and annoyed and when I try to actually talk to you, you find a way to get out. Even on the internet, I can’t talk to you. The only talks you’ve tolerated are the ones at 3 am, when you’re on a cigarette break. My desire to talk to you is gone now.

My dad on the other hand is responsible, but is so uncivilized, it’s a struggle to be in the same room with him. He thinks I’m his property and I will get up whenever he tells me, go out whenever he tells me, do things exactly the way he tells me and he’s a control freak. I wonder how he hasn’t scheduled my periods into a time frame yet. Jesus.

I love them both, but I seriously can’t stand them. I have this annoyed mode I go into whenever I’m around them and they’re the ones who turn it on. I’m always glad to talk to both of them, but the minute they start acting like they’re in pre-school, I start seeing red. And they’re not supposed to make me feel alone. I am feeling alone at the moment. Like my parents think I’m 30 years old already. My friends live in families and they don’t have so many responsibilities. They don’t have to deal with workers coming to fix a damn wall for 4 months or cable tv, internet, water and electricity bills or shit just breaking, or lizards and stray cats entering the house all the time. I’m not that grown up yet. I’m just 17. I wish I could just have a normal teenage life for a change.

And now I’m so boring. I keep complaining all the time. I go to school and I see shit, I come back home and I see the same. I don’t really have many friends here, so I can’t even go out like a normal person, everything here is crap. And I keep talking to my friends in Finland, but they really don’t deserve to hear this, nor do they want to. I’m turning into a constantly worrying machine, not because I can’t handle myself, but because I have to. I’ll have plenty of time to be on my own. Now it just feels like I’ve been thrown out of the family and no one cares about what’s going on with me. Like my parents and friends have moved on and it kind of hurts. I’ve always been taken care of and now I have to do it on my own and it sucks. I could understand it if I was in another country, but I’m alone in my own home (which I don’t feel like home anymore). And I think my friends are backing off, too… :/

Well…at least we know I’m not suicidal like that dumb girl, who jumped off of a bridge last Tuesday…

//Stef

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