I know, I know, I’ve been a shit blogger for the past few months, but I can’t do anything about it.
I’m in this weird state and I don’t want to write about anything. I really just want to sit there and do nothing all day and then feel sorry for it. It’s depressing to think that no one can make you do anything. No one, but you. And since I’m the damn queen of procrastination, I never do anything and I still manage quite nicely. Bulgaria during the winter is a shitty place, I haven’t been taking as much photos as I would like to. Scratch that, I haven’t been taking any pictures AT ALL and it’s frustrating, cause this means that I won’t remember this year with anything. But maybe that’s good. This year (not 2013 in particular, but you know…since summer) hasn’t given me anything memorable. What sucks is that everyone keeps trying to please me and I’m never happy and I don’t know why. I swear, I appreciate everyone’s efforts, but nothing ever seems to go exactly the way I want it to go and that bugs me. It literally pokes my nerves out and I get angry so easily about stuff that not that important, or even irrelevant. I don’t know, man…
School is going pretty well. I’m getting super good grades, I’m happy with my performance, we rarely get much work to do, the teachers even let us go earlier (usually), which is great. Sometimes I’d just go there for 2 hours and it would be as if I’ve been there the whole day. I can’t complain about that. Also the cafeteria place (well sort of) is my place and they play my jam, I always go there and talk to people from the other classes and the woman, who sells snacks and stuff (I feel for her, she has to stay there all day and listen to our crap, whether she wants to or not), but I’ve actually grown to like her a lot and you could say that we’re close on some level. She’s a great lady and all the students just love her. I spend all of my free time there, mostly arguing with someone about world domination or customs or just complaining about something (or being super happy about random stuff). But still…somehow, I still loathe school. I wish I just didn’t have to go there, I wish it would be over with the new material and math classes in general. I wish I didn’t have to be there every day and write in my notebooks constantly. I wish I could cross this out of my to-do-list, which is not that big anyway. I don’t know why. There are about 3 more months left and it feels like an eternity. I have so many exams to prepare for that I don’t even want to think about it. The good thing is my prom, which I look forward to. I can’t wait to put on my dress and feel beautiful for a change. Cause lately I feel like someone that people talk to out of pity and I don’t like that. Feeling beautiful hasn’t been happening at all and I can see how it reflects on my mood and appearance in general.
People have also been telling me that I talk too loud and they are making jokes about it, but I can’t help it and it bugs me. I know I shouldn’t care, but I’m sick of everyone asking me if I’m deaf, especially since that has always been a thing that I’m trying to overcome. Yes, you may be next to me and if I start getting passionate about it, it may seem like you’re at the other end of the room and I’m trying to be less loud, but it’s not so easy. And everyone’s giving me a hard time about it. Thanks.
And I’m starting driving school next week. First two weeks are only theory, though, and that’s pretty boring and I can’t wait to get to the actual driving part. And I’m also afraid that I’ll suck at it, cause naturally, people have been saying that I will be a bad driver. Regardless, I am excited. I want to drive and I want to feel more adult in a way. I can’t believe that there’s 3 months until I turn 18. That’s so much time, I don’t know how I could wait until it comes. Few nights ago, I dreamt about my birthday, I don’t remember what it was, probably something boring, but you know those first few seconds when you wake up and you still haven’t realized that what just happened was only a dream? Those few moments, I was so happy that I was finally 18, for no particular reason, I just felt nice about it. And I want it to come faster. But I am not going to celebrate, cause I don’t have enough friends here (what a surprise). It’s not a secret to anyone that the nice social me is an absolute outcast in Bulgaria and no one would like to do the things I wanna do (well, most of the times, I’ve been put down for my stupid ideas in Finland, as well, but at least people came up with something there). And yeah.
Speaking of dreams, it feels like I’m constantly living in them. I’ve been sleeping 12 hours a day every day and I’ve been loving it. Last night’s dream was a bit weird, it was summer and I was so sunburned that I couldn’t move and I literally dragged myself across the dock and everyone laughed at me and it wasn’t fun. Even my dreams don’t like me. Sweet. But the other dream kind – I’ve been watching too much YouTube. Lord knows that this is ridiculous, but recently I’ve been obsessed with Finn and Jack Harries. Murder me, I don’t know why, but they seem so cool and fun and they have just the right amount of craziness and they’re adorable. Idk, I wish I could meet them some day and just be cool like “Sup, nice to meet you!”, but I am the most awkward person that I can think of and it would just be embarrassing. But that doesn’t matter, because that won’t ever happen and yet I’m acting as if it will and that’s the most frustrating part. Cause I can’t stop playing scenarios in my head and then I get this huge setback called reality and I get really sad and I go to school and get even sadder, cause no one can understand my irrational excitement. Not even me.
And I’ve got some problem with myself, apparently. It’s like some part of me is a total bitch and hates me and wants to ruin my life and the other part of me is just like “Damn, sista, why do you hate me so much, look how awesome I am”, but the bitch is always like “You have no friends, die in a hole you illiterate, ugly, awkward, third class human” and she puts me down so much. I haven’t yet come up with a good comeback. I’m like Smeagol from The Lord of the Rings, except that I don’t actually do the crazy talk for realz. But maybe I should, just to freak people out…
Anyway, that’s what has been going on with me.
//Stef – cheers