This day hasn’t been extraordinary, nothing great happened and nothing great ever happens around here.
I woke up at 9:30, simply cause I couldn’t sleep any longer. I filled a few job applications, which will most probably turn out as useless, went to eat, got in a fight with my dad, almost got robbed and had a driving lesson.
Though I can feel I’m getting better at driving, it’s not good enough for me, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to pass my 4 exams and I’m not even half way through my learning experience. I don’t know why I’m so scared, I think I’m not good enough. A few people have said that I won’t make a good driver and it’s getting to me. There are people far smarter than me, I have difficulties comprehending that I can be as good as every other driver in the world. Hence the fear.
I start getting annoyed again…very, very annoyed. I wish I could scream in someone’s face every time they say something stupid to me. I don’t know how I don’t lose it each time, when my father blames me for things I can’t control. Or when my grandma starts to talk about how the government is after her. Or when classmates ask me for favors they should do on their own. And you know what, this isn’t me. I am not aggressive, I like people and I like helping them and explain things to them. But not now. I feel so alone. Like no one cares what happens to me. I know that they care, but I can’t feel it. I keep being brought down for being myself and I’m still taken advantage of. I now start to think that everything that I’ve dreamed of might never happen and the idea of a sorry life, trying to live, is really upsetting me.
Sometimes I think it’s best if I just stopped trying, but then I’d hate myself for doing so, cause I am so ambitious. It’s just that nothing seems good at the moment. Time is pushing me and I don’t think I’m mature enough to handle things as an adult, but that’s exactly what I have to do and it’s scary.
I’m sorry that I am scared, I don’t want to be. Remind me to never have a kid, if I’m not ready for it. What I want to do is so far away from what I have to do, I’m not even sure anymore. I don’t want to say what I want, because people will laugh at it and it is something that I take seriously, so I wouldn’t like that. The chances of it happening are close to zero and that saddens me, but… I guess I have to concentrate on my studies now. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. If I could just crawl in a hole and lay there for a few decades, that would be great. The last push…2 more months. Even less. I can do this. I have to. Ugh.
I hope I never ever feel like this again.