Oh my gaaaaawd!

I haven’t been posting anything in MORE than a month!!!

That is so sad. But hold your tits, I’m going to tell you about everything that’s been happening.

Ok, so first I had my prom on 24-th of May (seems like ages ago). It was kinda bad. So I woke up in the morning and it was hardcore raining outside. I hate, when it rains on days like this, it really pisses me off, so I was already at a not-so-good mood. I went to my hairdresser, she absolutely rigged my hair in the sense that she burned it and was pulling it too hard. The hairstyle was ok, but not exactly my taste, but we didn’t have time to change it, sooo I had to stick with it. I was super neurotic and a real bitch to everyone, who tried to talk to me, so thanks to all the people, who didn’t lose their shit, while I was doing my makeup. Anyway, I got the makeup done and it was time to dress and let me tell you – it was a happy moment, because I was afraid that I had gained so much weight that I wouldn’t fit into the damn dress. But it was ok in the end, I guess. Still…lovely dress, but it looked bad on me. My posture is really bad, I can barely stand to look at myself. Even though I’ve tried to correct it, it doesn’t seem to be working and it’s very frustrating. But anyway… After I was ready, I had to go to my dad’s place, where supposedly there was a party in my honor. The party included two of my old uncles, who I haven’t seen in at least 8 years and their wives. Believe it or not, one of them actually found it necessary to remind me of who she was. So we’re sitting at the table and things are awkward and I’m counting the time until I have to leave. The only reason why my dad invited them, was so they can bring something for me, which was completely stupid of him, as I’ve said a thousand times that I don’t want any money or anything, much less from old people, who aren’t working anymore. I didn’t get anything anyway, so it was fine. In a few hours, I went to this huge METRO store, since we were supposed to meet there with my class, I have no idea why we didn’t go straight to the damn hotel, but anyway…

The parking was packed with graduates, you could hear chalga blasting from every car’s window, some females barely wearing any clothes at all…and then there’s me with my incredibly uncomfortable high heels and a part of my dress that is literally piercing through all my fat, straight into  my ribcage (that took a while to heel). I was in pain, my feet are refusing to work and my mood more than bad. I see my classmates and I go there to say hi and stuff and nobody knows what the fuck is going on and where we’re going after this ends. There was this one moment, where one of my classmates Cvetomira came to the parking with a damn Hummer as big as a truck and a motorcycle came out of it and some delusional bastard was pointing at her and doing some really dangerous moves, after which there was a shit load of smoke and it smelled like burned rubber from the wheels. Ofc, my mom, being the overprotecting person she is, immediately grabs me and takes me away and starts yelling at my ass. Ok, Iäm not mad for the grabbing part, cause if this lunatic had lost grip on the breaks, I’d be dead, but come on…yelling at me in front of everyone on my prom, when I’m in a bad mood? Not cool.

Yeah, so anyway, we went to the hotel and I was the first one to run up to the rooms and get into more comfortable clothes, which was maybe a bad idea, cause in the end, I was the only one looking like a lesbian and not a part of my class, when we all entered the dining hall together. But fuck that. The evening was nice, except that my classmates are a bit unthoughtful. Half of them went to their rooms earlier to fuck someone and the other half went to a club, not saying goodbye to anyone. So basically I didn’t even get to say goodbye to the people I’ve spent 5 years with. No big deal. Haven’t seen them since, don’t want to see them, either.

On the bright side, I passed my final driving exam, which was so good, I nearly cried out of joy! And there was even a possibility that someone else can get it for me, since I’m in Finland now, but today it will be sent to me, so I should have it in my hands in less than 2 weeks, I’m so excited!!! This is the best thing that has happened in Bulgaria. Thank the lawd.

On the next day, I went to Finland, it was a long journey, since I had to go to Bourgas airport, from there to Oslo and from there to Helsinki. It was almost midnight, when I arrived, Iiris and Saara were waiting for me at the airport, it was good to see them! Then Joonatan and Pietari came home from a Pink concert and it was just great to see them. I slept on the couch, since there was no room for me in any room. Saara is temporarily living is the house and so, there is no space. I still don’t have a room, but I’d like to not get too comfortable, since I’m looking for my own place! Anyway, I got to hang out with Jamppa the day after, it was SO good to see him after all this time, I really missed him! We drank champagne flavored tea, dat shit was gooood. We talked about how our years have gone and what has been happening with our lives and so on. Then Joel came along to pick me up with his car and we went to his place, where we waited for the rest of the gang to show up. I couldn’t exactly ask him about how his year has gone, since I already know everything, but it’s always good to see him anyway. It’s been a year! Then Henkka, Jazz, Nelli, Kaisa and Johanna came and it was hugging time,, fuck yeah! We watched Django unchained, after what Jazz gave me a ride home. I say YES to the Jazz mobile!

From then on, everything’s been super hectic, I was helping with Aleksanteri’s graduation party, there were SO MANY things that needed to be done, so ofc I did them and didn’t really get the chance to hang out with friends that much. I only got together with Johanna for a little bit before going to Etis’ graduation rehearsal, since I couldn’t go to the real thing. But it was nice to see the people from the school that I wouldn’t see otherwise, including Pena, the principal Harri and opo Kati. Sweet people, I tell ya!

On 1-st of June was the graduation itself, I had to be there for Aleksanteri’s ceremony, then come back home and offer people food and drinks. The party was really, really good, but I didn’t feel as a part of the family, as Maarit tried to convince me that I am. I didn’t know any of those people, to them I was just the girl, who was giving the drinks. From then on, I started to feel permanently bad. The whole thing was extremely pushy for me, but I knew that I had to do it. I really hope everyone else had a great time, I can’t complain from the food or anything in general. I went to Jamppa’s party at around 7-ish, since I promised him that I’d go, even though it cost me a lot of effort to convince Maarit that I should also go to other places on that day. This was the highlight of the day, I’ve always liked Jamppa’s family, but now I got to meet the dutch side of it, as well, and they were so awesome, I couldn’t believe it! I had literally met them 5 minutes ago and it felt as though I’ve known them my whole life, they were speaking so openly and comfortable and the jokes were so good! I can only congratulate Jamppa on having such a great family and it was one extremely nice experience to meet them. Wow. The fabulousness of these people can never be stressed enough!

Anyway, after an hour and a half, we went to Joel’s place, where Henkka, Rasse, Jazz, Nora, Johanna and Nelli were already waiting (all of them graduating, as well). All them folks were going to go to some party in Helsinki that I didn’t have the tickets to, so I was only there for a while to see them all in their white hats before they go. Well, they did go. And then me and Otto (Joel’s older brother) went to a bar in Tapiola and got slightly drunk. It was nice to spend some time with him, I’ve always found him nice and stuff, the time went rather quickly! I ended up walking home in a drunk state (about 6 km) with shoes that were extremely uncomfortable, so actually 3 of those kilometers were walked barefooted, but I was home at about 4 am and I got a good sleep. In the morning Maarit and Hannu went to Slovenia for 4 days, so it was freedom 101 in the house! Yay!

Since then I’ve been going out with friends from time to time, when we get a chance to do so. I also got a job and I’ve been working for about a week now. I remember the previous wednesday, when we all went to a bar in Tapiola, because Joel’s and Rasse’s exams were over, and I was acting like such a joykiller. But I really am one! I was feeling awful and I still am feeling awful, I don’t feel like I have a place anywhere. It’s been a year and nothing has changed, but me. Yet I feel so distant from everybody and I hate that. Apparently I can get annoying, when I talk, so I want to avoid that. I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m also having problems at home, I want to move out, but then there’s nowhere to move out to. I feel really, really, really stressed and I would like to just relax. No one has hugged me, since I came here and I really appreciate hugs and I really miss them. And just, I’m so mentally unstable, but yet I have to suddenly act as an adult without any support whatsoever. Even though I have a place to stay and food to eat (don’t think that I don’t appreciate that), it’s for some price, I’m constantly being brought down for the things I do and the way I act. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong and I want to go away from this place, so I don’t feel like an infant trying to walk, but no one is actually understanding what I’m going through.

I don’t speak Finnish that well, I need to settle into Finland as a resident, find a place to stay, work, save my studying place, when Bulgaria is being A BITCH and doesn’t want to cooperate!! I don’t have my mom here to hug me and tell me that everything’s going to be fine. It might not be fine. Everyone else is still living with their parents, they know that it’s going to be ok, whatever happens, they know how the system works, but I don’t. I’m a foreigner, who has just been dropped here and I also feel like I’m having relationship problems with some of my friends and all in all, I just feel ALONE. I’ve been trying to make this work in any way that I know how, but instead of pointing out my mistakes and being mad at me for not acting as a 30 year old person, when I’ve just turned 18, can someone please just give me an advice. I really feel like it’s going to be the end of me, if I have to go back to Bulgaria, but it’s not easy here. It’s a big shock and I have no one to share it with. I’m awake every day from 4 am to 11 pm and I’m constantly on foot doing things. I am not a happy person at the moment and I want happiness. I don’t want to dig into the hole that I’m in at the moment. But how can I change? Am I actually a depressed person?

// Stef

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One comment

  1. Дени · ·

    Аз сам преходила твоиат пат, има хубав край! Ако имаш нужда от съвет- пиши ми. Не се натажавай, а се усмихвй! Ти имаш толкова много хора да те обичат, и такива като мен от различни континенти да те подкрепят! Дени

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