So basically the last 2 weeks have been pretty MEEEEH, but still…quite a lot of things happened, so let’s get started.
First of all, ever since I borrowed Johanna’s mom’s bike, I’ve been biking quite a lot (well, a lot isn’t actually that much in my standards, but let’s just say that I’ve given it an effort). The weather has been nice-ish, so I could make use of it. Of course, I’ve been also working quite a lot and I CANNOT wait for my final work day, as I feel very tired all the time at the present moment and it’s not a great feeling at all. I’ve also tried to kind of…fight back the tiredness, exercise and eat good food, which should give me more energy, but nothing seems to be working. Still, I’ve been eating stuff like these for the last two weeks and at least it tastes good!
I looooove goat and feta cheese! And curry…and chicken…and tomatoes…and fresh onion…this worked surprisingly well, I say yes to this salad. But okay, I am lying, when I say that I am being healthy, cause today I ate almost a whole chocolate bar by myself, cause that’s what I do when I get sad. Bad sugars, but they taste oh, so good. Now it feels heavy, but it tasted nice?
Also, I should mention that last monday I went to get my legs massaged. I was completely unaware that the masseur was going to be a hot 23 year old guy, it was really awkward for me, since I don’t like my legs and he had to look at them all the time and he was talking to me at the same time…just…no. The massage itself was very nice, but the whole overall feeling was weird for me, I’m not sure if I liked it. And for those of you, who are thinking “what the fuck, it’s just a guy massaging your legs, it’s no big deal, get over it”, you should have seen my face, when he was going up on the inside of my thighs. Basically I felt a little violated for no reason at all and I felt bad for him for having to do it. That’s one bad outlook on things. 😀 I’m jealous of people with normal self-esteem.
Oh and about that, Maarit has given me yet another live advice-speech-sort-of-thing, which involves me sitting around and not doing shit for myself. I guess I need a little push, cause I’m already at the point, where I think that things are unfixable and I shouldn’t even try and I don’t care about my health or anything. It’s sad to say it, but maybe it’s true. Cause I don’t have a reason to try and be healthy, lose weight, get better skin and stuff like that. I have nobody to do it for, cause I obviously don’t care about myself and at the moment it feels like nobody cares about me enough that I would want to change something. Cause change would be long and tiring. But I could do it if I saw a reason. Then there was also the talk about how nobody would take me to work with them, because of the way I look and I would lose many opportunities, because my health is radiating out of me. It’s true, I guess, but I don’t feel sick, I’m young, nothing hurts and I don’t feel like I’m dying. But I think this feeling will come soon enough and I’m so scared of it, cause I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to keep living the same life as I’m living now. Basically I want someone to make me happy, so I would start wanting to do things for myself. But if it doesn’t happen…tough luck, I will be sick and die earlier, that’s how life works.
But anyway, less dramatic stuff – I had a police appointment few days ago, I had to register as a person living in Finland and I couldn’t do it, cause I went to the wrong side of the police station and missed my appointment. Things like that make me want to bang my head against a wall, because it was my fault. I went there 45 minutes earlier and if I would have just asked at the info desk, instead of taking a seat and waiting for my name to be called, things would have been different now. I am so mad at myself, why the fuck don’t I do these things, WHAT IS SO TERRIFYING ABOUT AN INFO DESK??? GOD, I WANT TO GIVE MYSELF A SLAP. I NEVER ASK FOR STUFF, WHAT’S THE DAMN DEAL WITH ME AND ASKING??? Now I have to wait for 2 months for my next appointment…yup.
It’s the same with Finnish. I understand it (-ish), but I cannot seem to bring myself to speak it. It seems so wrong, when I do. I hear my accent, I hear the wrongness and it sounds pathetic. I know nobody is going to laugh at me, but it’s not good enough for myself. I hate it, when people say “you should speak, that’s the only way you can learn to say it right”…no shit, Sherlock? You would think that in 2 years I would already have gotten past the point of “everyone is laughing at me”. I am truly jealous of every native-speaker, you have no idea how much I would like to speak Finnish fluently, I would give up any other language knowledge for that. But once again, it’s all coming from me and I don’t know where the problem is, but it really, really affects me. I, also, just like everyone else, want to open up my mouth and speak, but I…just…can’t. And that is very problematic.
Whatever. Here are some pictures that me and Emma took yesterday:
It was fun going out with her, we haven’t done that in a while. And I’ve been also going out biking with Johanna, who is being much less closed and shy than I remember. 😀 I love going out with her. 🙂
But now I shall tell you goodbye.
//Stef – And just a plain pic of my new top that I kinda like 🙂