Blog, we need to talk.

Dear diary,

I know you’re not a diary but you and I both know that you’re dear to me.  Yet lately, I think you would agree, I have stopped updating you so much. You know my relationship with you stays strong, because I think of you every day, but yes – things have changed.

I very often begin a blog post with “hey, guys!” or something of this sort, but this time, I would like to personally apologize to my blog for being a lazy blogger. And for cheating on it with Arcada’s blog. I haven’t written anything in here for ages and the people, who read this are probably wondering if I have died somewhere in a ditch with no memory or nationality whatsoever. Relax – I’m still breathing. So, blog, we’ve known each other for over 4 years now. I was a little brat attempting to learn English, when we started. I’ve told you almost everything. You’ve put up with my obsession with Sturm und Drang, my depressed self every now and then, you know about my greatest moments and lawd knows, I’ve had a smile on my face, when I’ve been writing about them. I can’t be with my friends all the time, but you’re like a little puppy, always there, waiting for me to feed you with words. It’s cute and disturbing at the same time, how I think of you. I guess it is a way for me to deal with everything that’s going on around me. And I’m sorry that I’ve left you without any food for so long. I don’t really have an excuse, apart from being busy.

Things have happened. I live on my own now, I haven’t heard from my host family in months, I am not in a very good relationship with my father, I’ve been busy with school and trying to not feel sorry for myself, since I’m not the only one in this world, who has to deal with stuff like that.

I started cooking. The greatest challenge came, when I realized that I don’t really own anything to cook in. But it’s going good. At least I try. Which should count for something. I’ve been going out with my friends a few times (well, a lot of times since I last updated this blog), I’m really glad that after everything, they’re still there. Joel has been nice as always, so every time we go to a bar in Helsinki, I’ve ended up sleeping at his place, instead of wondering how to get home. Espoo can be far away from where I live now. But he’s always the one, who stands all my bullshit and always the one to be brutally honest. Everybody needs someone, who cares enough about them to say things as they really are. So that’s that.

Kaisa left for Scotland, she’s coming back around Christmas, so I don’t have to wait for that long to see her again. And our gang (Joel, Henkka, Jamppa, Nora, Noora, me and Johanna) went to Turku for Jazz’s housewarming party. It was fun. It almost doesn’t feel like Jazz is so far away for most of the time. I mean, she’s studying in Turku, what the hell?! It’s not even that weird anymore, not seeing everyone every day at school, talking in classes, planning the next event. I don’t talk to anyone, but Joel. But I know they’re all there, when I need them. And I’m there for them, as well.

Also, there was a random guy called Jonas, who stopped me on the street and took my number (I didn’t want to be rude), so now he is insisting that we go out. Even after I told him that I am not interested. He keeps sending me messages like “Hey, how was your day?”, which is really sweet, but I really don’t want to go out with him, so I kind of ignore them. Rude, I know. I’m kind of interested in someone else. Well, that would be a really big exaggeration – “interested”… but I just…I don’t know…I’m confused. He’s confusing. I am confusing. But then again, when have I ever been clear about anything?

And as university keeps progressing, I have made friends there, as well. Inevitable. And they are nice. There’s Fanny, Meri, Quan, Paul…other people, too. Some of them hang out with me only because we are always with the same people, but others really like me. But we party anyway. I feel like partying is the only thing that keeps me happy at the moment. I can’t wait for Halloween. It sounds very superficial, but I’ve met so many cool people, while at a party, I forget about everything, I hear the songs and I want to dance, I want to drink, I want to sing, I want to feel young, I want to be alive. And people don’t care about anything, when they’re drunk. We are all friends. No prejudices and no stereotypes. It’s amazing! Everything washes off.

I have a hard time letting go of the things that hold me back. I don’t do things, because I’m scared of what people will think, the only thing I don’t want to be is embarrassed and bold things make me just that. But no one cares. I know that no one cares. But if this was bulgaria, I would get told off. But still – this is Finland and everyone is cool as hell. So I should loosen up, I know. I’m trying.

I also visited Stockholm. It was with my university and it was insanely cool and tiring. It was 2 nights of partying and I met so many people from uni that I had never had the pleasure of meeting. It couldn’t have gone better.

With that being said, my life is very busy and weird. I have ups and downs every day. It’s a freaking rollercoaster. Sometimes I’m excited about what’s coming and sometimes I really don’t want it to come. One could say that I’m PMS-ing all over the place, haha! 😀 Perhaps…

//Stef

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