So I guess wanting it to happen or not, Pampas week is over, the alcohol has been drunk and it’s time to return back to reality.
I’m not gonna lie, I had been waiting for that week since last November and it was everything I wanted it to be. Apart from everyone being REALLY drunk, it felt like a nice little holiday without any sleep. Just the fact that I went away from Helsinki was enough for me to loosen up, escape all my worries here and have a good time.
But now I’m back. Every now and then I get these little panic attacks, which feel like a nasty cold shower over your entire body and today is one of those times again. I start getting worked up about things I have little control over and it really sucks. So…I LOVE Helsinki with all of my heart, it’s the best city that I have ever lived in, it has given me so much, it’s beautiful and light, there are so many parties going on, all of my friends are a bus ride away from me and everything, BUT lately I’ve been feeling like I would like to change things up even if for a little bit (a year or two). I have too many things going on in Helsinki and some of them are not as good as I had hoped. I do realize that it’s just me, but I don’t think I should have the levels of stress I have now on daily basis, when I’m not even doing anything that special. It’s all work, work, work and even though I’m glad I have SOME work, it’s definitely not what I want to do and the fact that I can’t find anything else for over a year even though I’m sending applications like crazy, really frustrates me. You have no idea.
I haven’t talked about this before I think (in this blog), but imagine how I feel. Not many people know that being a foreigner in Finland practically sucks. I can’t get ANY of the benefits you Finns are getting, so I HAVE TO work all the time to pay my bills. And study at the same time. Which I wouldn’t mind if I had a job I could call at least a little bit of fun. Instead I have to wake up at 4am on every single weekend, so I could be at work at 6am, so I could do stuff for the University of Helsinki that even a monkey can do. Do you know how many parties I’ve missed? Exchange students have been calling me a crappy tutor for not being around, when I really can’t help it. Do I wish I could have a day off? Please, I wish I could have a year off. But this is not how it works, I go to work even if I’m sick. I’ve grown to despise this job, which puts extra stress on me, because I just can’t seem to find another one.
So I want to move. I don’t want to be here doing this anymore. I want to go to a smaller city, where everyone knows each other. I want to walk into a bar and have someone from there that I know. I want to just…escape, I guess. And I’ve been thinking about this a lot (seriously, over a few months) and I think I would like to move to Vaasa. Jessica, please don’t kill me.
Everyone, who knows me is aware of how much I love that city. Why not go and live there for a while? I’d probably be coming down to Helsinki every weekend anyway. I want a change so bad. I got the same study line over there, so I could just transfer there. Rent is cheaper, distances are not that big, I’ll get to know people… I want to do it! I really fucking do. But of course it’s not that easy (no way, Stefani, another thing doesn’t come easy for you? What a fucking surprise). I still need to work to pay my bills and well…work and Vaasa don’t really go together for someone like me.
Basically, I’ve survived quite a lot of bullshit, but one thing I don’t understand is why do things have to come to me in a more difficult manner than to everyone else? Am I just imagining or is it really like that? “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but I don’t need your goddamn quotes, when I couldn’t care less how strong I am, when I’ve been constantly under more pressure than other people. I know exactly how strong I am. I’ve been on my own since I was 16, I’m a fucking beast. That doesn’t mean that just because I can take life on “difficult” mode, I deserve to do it. I know life isn’t fair, but I am a social and smart person with a lot of interests, I am nice as hell, I’ve never hurt anyone, I go buy homeless people lunch, for christ’s sake, I don’t deserve this discrimination based on my nationality (cause mind you, I do speak Finnish and even a little bit of Swedish). I just want to move to Vaasa for an unknown period of time and live a peaceful life, have some time to myself and figure out what I want to do with my life, but I guess that’s too much to ask of life.
Sorry for this rant, had to get it out there.
//Stef – have a nice day!