In search of…

Hey!

My room is a mess, I should clean it up. In fact, quite many things in my life are a mess that I need to clean up.

Please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes in this blog post, I am utterly intoxicated and perhaps not in the greatest condition to write about the topic that I want to write about.. Which by the way is guys. Again. I will probably delete this post as soon as I wake up, but for now, I just need to let it out.

I got the following message on facebook: “I’ve seen a couple of your videos on Youtube. Why is it that such a gorgeous women as yourself is single. It makes no freakin sense……….are your standards too high, or do you enjoy the single life too much?”

It’s not the single life that I enjoy. At any given point, I am interested in SOME guy. I never do the first step, because I’m so terrified of them not liking me back, I’m terrified of showing myself to someone and them not liking it, which I know is natural to everyone. But you know what, not many people have tried to actually get to know me. There has been the occasional small talk texting, which at this point is oh so trivial to me, but it rarely goes deeper than that. Sure, I’m not interested in everyone and I think that’s normal, but no has really tried to get under my skin, you know.

I get SO MANY guys trying to go out with me, to dance with me on the dance floor, to talk to me between songs, to buy me a drink and get my number, to take me out on a date, to tell me I’m beautiful…I’m in no way lacking attention. I get compliments even from random people I’ve never seen before and of course that makes me smile, but…I don’t care for all this superficial attention if no one is willing to get to know me. I know I sound like such a woman, but I’m not ready to be with someone, who just wants my body (which by the way I do have some issues with). I have the “serious relationship type of girl” sign written all over my forehead. Because I am one. And I am sometimes ashamed of it, because it seems like it’s not what everyone else wants to see.

I know there is nothing to be ashamed of, I know I don’t have to sleep with every potential “Romeo” and I don’t have to dumb myself down to look easily approachable, but sometimes it feels like this is all I have to be to get the person I want. And I’m not ready to do that. I don’t think I ever will be. By now I’m so sick of the “the right one will come eventually” line and the accusations of being single by choice.

Yes, I’m single by choice. Excuse me for wanting something meaningful out of a relationship. Excuse me for being a university student and not going to bed with anyone, who is interested in me on the first night. Excuse me for liking the wrong people, who have their own issues, which I have no part in. Excuse me for not being able to help who I like. Or who I don’t. You can call it a high standard, you can call it whatever you want, but it is what it is.

I’m not in love. Do you know how much I wish I was? And that it would be shared? Very. I wish I could wake up to someone and not think “does he actually like me?”, because I would know he does. No matter what. No matter how insecure I am about some things and no matter how I look without any makeup on. And you know what? I am generally confident. I generally like myself, I like the way I communicate with people, I like how I can ease you into a conversation, but I would also really like to celebrate someone else’s insecurities. I would like to show someone that lot’s of the things they’re conscious about are not real to me, just as I would like to get the same in return. But I can’t just fall for every guy, who feels the same way, you know.

Yet I’m far from the thought that a “perfect” partner exists. I’m ready to work on both myself and the relationship to make sure that it really works, but the thing is that not everyone that I like is ready to do the same. Actually no one is, because if they were, I wouldn’t be single, would I? And yes, I’m pretty sick of people asking me why I’m single. It’s not like I’ve planned on it, but I’m not ready to settle with the wrong person just so everyone could shut up. Including the little voice in my head, which keeps saying that maybe…just maybe I’m not good enough for anyone and maybe there is something really wrong with me that I cannot ever fix. I hate that voice. I wish I could drown it in a pool of its own malice, but so far it’s got a pretty good point, you know.

So yeah. I wish I could humor you with a nice funny story, but this is what I’m thinking about. And anyone who says that they don’t need the other gender’s validation is a fucking liar. You want it. We all want to be desired and valued, but unfortunately that can’t happen to everyone at the same time.

And sometimes the physical attraction just isn’t enough. Sorry. 

//Stef

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One comment

  1. alkuun täytyy sanoa että mä tykkään sun videoista…sun blogit löysin vasta äsken ja ensinmäisenä oli sun kirjoitus miehistä, minkä olit vasta eilen kirjoittanut…eikä kieliopissa ollut mitään vikaa, aika täydellistä se oli…toisin kuin itselläni, sen verran on tullut juotua, ettei englanti olisi ehkä onnistunut samalla tavalla kuin sinulla..mut sähän osaat suomea todella hyvin, niin etköhän saa “tolkkua” tästä…kuka sua on loukannut parisuhteessa, kun susta on tullut noin epävarma miesten suhteen..sä oot kaunis ilman meikkiä, puhumattakaan kun olet meikannut..i however just love you(like you and your videos/blogs) sä oot vaan niin aito ihminen..

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