“You’re not the kind of friend I need in my life”

Yep.

Someone I really care about told me this a while back and it’s been bugging me ever since.

Do you ever get these kind of people in your life, who are completely random and for some reason you don’t take them seriously and you think they’re playing some sort of a game with you, because they’re genuinely so nice and you’re confused as to how you perceive them? Hadn’t happened to me until recently…

All of my other friends thought it was a weird situation and hence I believed it, too. It was weird…really weird. But so what? She was being amazing from day 1 and never really stopped being bomb. It frustrates me that my brain can not get over the fact that I care about this girl more than I had intended to, but I also need a break from her. It’s toxic for me to trip myself out for stuff that have already come and gone and I don’t even really care about the story, I just…I care about her and I feel like in some way I have mistreated her and she didn’t deserve any of it. Though I have been 100% honest the entire time and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone at any point, seems like I’ve managed to do something wrong, idk.

Seriously, I have such a weird conscience, I don’t feel bad about a lot of the things I’ve done that I should feel bad about, but for some reason this is gonna haunt me for a long time. Because I’m a person who treasures friendship above great many things and no one has EVER told me that they don’t need me in their life as a friend before that. Cause I’m a good friend. I honestly am. I make sure that you get home safely and I genuinely care about your problems, I try to help in any way I can, if I see you’re in a situation where someone is hurting you, I’d make it a mission to get you out of it no matter what the costs. I give a lot of things for my friends and I enjoy being there for them. So it sucks when someone doesn’t get it.

Not gonna lie, the girl has every right to feel this way (if she still does, I don’t really know) and I did feel very appreciated by her in such a short period of time, there is literally not a single bad thing I could say about her and in contrast there are plenty of questionable things I could say about myself. I don’t know, I was in a situation where I didn’t think about how it would look from an outsider point of view, or maybe I just didn’t care but either way I know I’m not a bad person and there are lots of variables. I’m not gonna get into details about the case, cause it’s somewhat irrelevant to why I’m feeling so shitty about this girl and because that’s not really the entire reason either.

I do feel like I was made to sound a bit more bad than I actually was, lots of quotes gotten out of context and lots of intentions which remained hidden, but actually I don’t really care at this point, I’ll take all the blame for everything, because it’s just easier than to point fingers and call people names every time you think someone is twisting the truth. And also because there’s no single truth to be discovered. It’s all just different points of view and every person is living their own truth, so there’s no point in straightening things out, when it really really doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m the one twisting things and maybe I’m the one telling things wrong, but in my mind I’ve been as honest as I can ever be. But as I said, it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is how she sees things. I wish I could just say this to her, but I feel like this has been talked about so much that I don’t wanna reopen the case, I just want the quiet. It’s been so good ever since I stopped talking about it with her. I’ve felt great and getting past the ridiculous situation lifted a lot of weirdness from my chest. However I do kinda miss her and I wish I could go out with her and just chill, but I’m not sure if we’re ready for each other. I wanna prove that I’m a good friend and that I think she’s a great and fun girl to be around and I just HOPE that one day I can do that. 🙂 I smile every time I see her pictures and no matter how many times my friends say I shouldn’t be in contact with her, I kinda like following her on instagram and seeing her snapstories…

I dunno why I made this post, probably only like 3 ppl know who I’m talking about and this is wayyy too long, but I just needed to let it out of my system I guess. That I regret being a shitty friend to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that I genuinely wish her all the best annnnd sorry for the whole fucking thing and I hope some day we’ll get past it. I guess I think about her every now and then and it’s only good stuff, so she deserves lots of cuddles and wine and other nice things. Yep.

Other than that I’ve had a lot of good times, I mainly like to do my makeup and drink on Fridays to forget what a disappointment I am to myself every now and then. 😀 It works pretty well. I also sometimes party on days other than Friday, but no one is looking, so whatever. I’ll try to make more youtube videos since I’ve found them to be very therapeutic and cool to make, so stay tuned for that. And here u go a selfie from last week when yes – you guessed it – I partied with mi frendz.

TGIF

Good night for now.

//Stef

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2 comments

  1. ❤ :* makes me feel good!

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