Every summer has it’s pros and cons.

Haha, I got like 77 drafts full of blog posts waiting to be published, but I never get around to it.

There are some very interesting topics in there actually but I just forget to finish the posts cause I’m so consumed by thoughts, oops.

Anyway, we’re already past the middle of the summer and it’s the first summer ever (or well since I can remember) that I have not worked and it’s…hmm…gives you a lot of free time. I’ve enjoyed late mornings, I’ve binged watched quite many series, read a lot of comics and done a ton of summer school assignments. There is still some weird feeling of unfulfillment though…I’m doing everything I’ve wanted to do all year, no responsibility and chill life all day every day, but there is a lack of routine and purpose which drives me insane. If I don’t choose to get up from bed and do something with my day, no one will bat an eye. No meeting I need to attend or a friend I need to see (tho ofc if I really want to, I could arrange that) or pretty much anything! The only urgent matter in this household is the food shopping.

I’m long out of my favorite apartment ever and I’m super sad about it, but I had to give it up…At least I passed it on to Joel’s friend Arttu who is super cool and would do it justice, so that’s about the only consolation I have.

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And pretty much all I wanna do is party and have fun, which is quite normal for a 21 year old, but this part of me has been so exaggerated during this past year, I feel like I’m a completely new person. Still the same in a lot of ways, but I’ve completely expanded my musical horizons, I listen to things I would never have found even remotely good 2 years ago. I’ve become a lot more morally flexible, things which I would have considered bad before, have appeared to be gray now and the line between right and wrong is very washed up, which has made me complicate things a bit more than usual. I’ve become more extraverted and I’m enjoying time spent with others more than the time I have with myself (though I value that too as long as it’s not months at a time). I love being busy, having stuff to do, places to visit and people to see even if it’s just for a movie or a short conversation. So yeah, I’ve tried to go out as much as I can.

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I’ve started seeking new thrills and more ways to feel a different range of emotions and my anxiety while still present, has eased up a little bit. I still find it difficult talking to strangers on the phone or approaching them in unfamiliar situations, but I’ve forced myself to be more open. Though now I have issues with contacting friends, cause I start thinking that they don’t wanna talk to me cause if they did, they would contact me first. Idk, man it’s weird.

Weirdest thing is that I’m the exact opposite of shy and quiet which is the stereotype for people suffering from anxiety, but I guess it could happen to anyone! At least my personality is still very happy.

Life is still pretty cool otherwise, I just wish I would stop stressing about things as much and also get myself more busy, find something stimulative to do with my time and stop playing the martyr…but it’s like that every summer so! 😀 I don’t really enjoy this season, because everyone is away and I get this crippling feeling of loneliness for 3 months straight until things get back to normal and I get to be happy with my life again. The weather is amazing, but I have no one to enjoy it with, so what’s the point…

So what should I do with all this free time besides try and find a job? (another thing that has been stressing me out yayy!)

//Stef – ughhhh

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