It really isn’t cool.
This is draft number 83. A post hasn’t been published since July because I really don’t know how to express myself in a blog post that I know will be going online for people to read.
Many of you probably know that I really genuinely enjoy writing and sharing my thoughts online (considering that this blog has been active since 2010), I love attention and being around people, I constantly find new outlets for my need of communication and so on. BUT I also often have troubles sleeping because I worry so much about embarrassing myself in front of people and making a fool out of myself. And posting so publicly about feeling anxious might do just that, idk.
This is really weird because I am a confident person, I LIKE myself, there are very few things that I would like to change about myself – I mean I’m smart, funny, I got great eyebrows and boobs, I’m always in a good mood, I laugh a lot, I’m caring, I’m a super fun drunk and I give good advice even though I’m often a bit on the rude side with my humor. However despite all that I keep having this little voice in my head that keeps nudging me and making me feel like crap for posting so many selfies and blog posts or laughing too loud or sending 7 drunk voice messages to someone or being too active and annoying, when those are all things I enjoy doing. Feels a lot like someone might think all I keep thinking about is myself yanno? So I often delete stuff that I’ve posted in fear of being obnoxious (even tho I find them cool and hilarious) and if I can’t take it back/delete it, I feel like absolute crap for weeks on end.
I’m one of the loudest people at school and most people know me, yet I still have difficulties walking up to a random person and asking them a question or holding a presentation in front of more than 1 person and yes – I still dislike talking on the phone quite much. I’m baffled by why this is. There is a person in school that I would like to start a conversation with, but I can’t even pass them by so I guess that’s off the table too. I just hate having that feeling of panic and terror thinking that I might get decapitated if I look someone in the eyes and say hello. My logic says that nothing bad will happen and it’s probably going to go really well, but my entire body wants to book a flight to Hawaii and never look back. I wanna lock myself in the bathroom and yell in frustration, cause my anxiety is turning me into a little bitch (in all aspects it affects) for no reason at all. Human interaction is one of my favorite things ever. So yeah, it’s really annoying.
I don’t even actually know if I’m allowed to say I have anxiety as it hasn’t been professionally diagnosed since I’ve never bothered checking it out, so I might be normal just like the rest of the population that gets nervous every now and then, but I kinda feel like it happens a bit too often to me. Or I am a little bitch – that’s also a possibility. Or both. Who knows. Cheers.